I am writing this because i am sick of people treating me like I did some horrible thing in my past when I have not, though I think that is what people in Cali, some are taught – to hurt someone else tell a lie until it becomes true. Well i prefer telling the truth and not being CUT off from people who are successful at the fields i want to work in so I can have my own job security and life. That means I work on sets and in ACTING- not in a crappy law office with lawyers I am forced to be around just to survive like an ape in the jungle. that is not very AMERICAN. I mean i dated two guys younger than me out here, and neither of them were under the age of 19, and yet I am being treated like I robbed some cradle by some people or have some sick disease and I am tired of their INSANITY. In fact, i bet that some of the men with the UNION will friend any guy I find interesting or say is attractive JUST TO MAKE SURE I am knocked down and left ALONE, SCARED and miserable. THAT IS NOT LOVE, PROFESSIONAL or YOU BEING A GOOD PERSON.

After college I headed to DC to go to American University. At first I lived in Takoma park with this woman who was very strict and in a room in her roof with no windows and a sloped roof so I could not stand up. My bed was an army cot. I spent half my college life on an army. One day I forgot it was my turn to take out the trash and so she put it in my room. I left very quickly and found a sub let near AU.

I actually met a guy at the food place on campus. I think he was a bit interested in me, besides looking for someone to rent his apartment. We kind of went on a date, though nothing happened. He went away to a wedding or a family trip and while he was gone I started negotiating with his room mate, nice guy from OHIO. By the time he was back I had gone on a few dates with his roommate. I feel wenchy about it looking back, but the two guys were a bit like day and night. The one I dated was studying to be a school teacher, tall and thin. the one I kind of blew off was shorter and wanted to run wall street. Regardless they went home for good to their respective states and I and two girls i knew from college rented the apartment.

I got stalked that summer by the way. Some guy I met on the street. Creeped me out by calling me at 3 in the morning just as I was coming home from a club dancing. I lied and told him I was with my boyfriend. He thought I was alone, hence the stalking. I think I blocked his number or had our number changed after that. I did not sleep with either guy by the way. The one I liked took me for ice cream and gave me his jacket. Years later I would visit OHIO and we would go out on the town in Cleveland. I was still a bit inexperienced with men and also with life and well I tried new things you might say, at the same time we did not cross certain lines. Later I found out he moved to Florida and got a girlfriend who was a model. I was not surprised. I think what I was looking for back then was friendship but going through some things people go through typically in high school. On one level I was mature- work, and school- but where men was concerned I was desperate for connection or safety and missing something I never got from my family- LOVE. I never found it then.

After that summer I moved into a shared house with three other girls and two French guys. One of the women from Texas and two of the guys from France were starting to work for a new French bakery chain. The other two girls, one from Texas and I forget where the fifth girl was from, were at AU with me. the girl from Texas was Public Affairs or Business and the other girl was in my program. there was a bit of a scandal though as the bakery girl had her clothes stolen from her room. They were later found in the other girl’s room from our program. I was so upset that I remember telling her I was going to watch her move out. I had also felt betrayed because I had lent her books I had for her classes. When I moved from the one apartment building to the house in Bethesda, one of the guys in my building offered to help. I was tall, cute, they called him Marky Mark for a reason and so I said OK. We met in the elevator. His best Friend Scott and I had become friends too. He had his own apartment, and well I don’t think Mark knew, but I spent hours in Scotts apartment talking to him about his PHD project in Neitche, seriously hours. They both helped me move so I invited them to our house warming party. I bought them a bottle of GIN which I was told by Scott was their favorite. Well Mark brought his brother with him. Mark also decided to kiss me when I was sitting on the stairs and in front of his brother.

My new room mate had a friend who wanted to go to a club I knew called the 5th Column. the door man used to let me in there and for some reason the VIP security guard would also wave me in. My room mate backed out at the last minute and well this girl I went with we kind of lost each other at the club. It was packed. I ended up meeting this gorgeous guy, blond hair, pierced ears. I am in a club in DC and I run into this guy, like we seriously plowed into each other. After the apologies, we started to talk and it turns out he was a theater major at one of the community colleges. Keep in mind I was fresh out of college myself. I go to a packed club though and meet an actor. Well the girl I went with left- without me. The theater guy and his friend, a nice looking African American guy, ended up driving me home. I was lucky he and his friends were cool and it turned out the guy grew up in the neighborhood where my house was. After that we kind of dated but I was weird. I did not know what I wanted, and for some reason I think the guy was lying, either he had a girlfriend or he was younger than he said he was. We would dance on the tables at the 5th. One night he finally kissed me. Told me some things are worth waiting for. I was not ready though and i think I did things to intentionally get rid of him, got to clingy etc. My housemate also used to tease me about him, calling him earring boy. He looked like Lou Diamond Philipp, or actually Ryan Philippe, with one ear with at least 3 or 4 gold hoops in it. All of this took place over about a month.

Well later I was invited to a party at guys i knew from school, Mark’s new room mates, one of whom ended up seeing my housemate. I went only to find Mark with his girlfriend. Keep in mind I was new to men relatively. I don’t know to this day what put the fire in me, but here I had been kissed by this gorgeous man, and he was cheating with ME. So I slapped him, hard. I slapped him so hard that his brother upstairs could hear. What surprises me to this day is that Mark’s brother Mike started calling my house to ask about me. At first he did not say who he was. I was always out. I was elected to the Graduate Student Council, working two different jobs and also well school, plus as part of the GSC my job was organizing social events for the graduate students, so I was out at night as well. Finally he gets me on the phone and well maybe it was his courage, but I said OK I would date him. He was an atheist, former Catholic, into Anne Rice, Shogun, had a brown belt in Tae Kwon Doe, studying Industrial Psychology, played soccer, and played the Guitar and had been a former rocker. I was Agnostic, an actress, poet, working on an MA in Performing Arts Management, and loved the book “the Noble house” and music and hated American Football, and had taken some classes in Judo in college. He was my first boyfriend.

We eventually did come to an end however and well it was not pretty. He felt like the next woman in his life would end up being the one, and I think he was scared about it and not sure of me. One of Mark’s room mates later told me he thought we complimented each other rather well- both had this artistic emotionalism that balanced each other. My parents almost met him, that is before my father when my car broke down started screaming at me on the phone. For all Mike’s courage, well I was terrified of my father. When I had an accident in DC once I remember calling my father and his first response was “how is the car?”, while Mike’s first response was “Are you OK?” I think that was what started me on the road to not be with insensitive jerks. Mike has “followed me” over the years. But I won’t let him back in. We are not right for each other. though my experience with him has shaped what I want and helped me realize who I am.

A friend and I were at a bar one night, and there was a fight. I took care of him. We crossed lines we should not have. We had hung out allot. his friend and I had worked for the same place. I even later went to the friend’s wedding in Georgia. We did not fit. They were too business and money Oriented and I was driven by a passion to perform and to create and to support the first amendment and art. I actually once thought I saw him out here, though he was from another country and knew at least one other language. I no longer wanted to be shoved into a corner by my family and told to shut up as though I had noting to contribute to life. A mistake, but a life lesson. I am realizing looking back I was trying to find myself. Being easy, though was never me. I moved out of the house in Bethesda into my own place, realizing I needed a break from room mate drama.

I started dating a guy I met in a band at some point. We did nothing more than make out and sleep in the same bed. I met his family. I looked like his mom, who was German, though his father was Hispanic. Again though, he freaked a bit. His mom liked me too much. I heard later he ended up with someone who looked like me but younger. I moved from the apartment I had into a house next door to MARK and his friends. I knew the guys who lived across the street, the guy in the band lived round the corner, though we were breaking up, and well I knew Mark’s housemates. In fact when I had a keg party they all came over as did the guys across the street. For some reason when ever I had a party the men outnumbered the girls like 6 to one. Somewhere during this time I also dated a guy from AU in their film department. I did not date two guys at the same time. One relationship was over and the next began.

I went to a club one night to see the ex-guy musician’s friend’s band play and met a guy in the military. He was not your traditional military person though, and actually flew on Air Force One. We dated off and on for a year Broke up at one point because I was hospitalized with cancer soars that were tested but came out negative for being anything. At that point I had been with so few men I freaked, but none of them came forward, and I asked two of them directly. Later I found out that I had a latex allergy. It is so bad that I get soars from elastic bands. I have never had a cold soar in my life, though cancer soars in my mouth had been common when i was kid, especially after going to the dentist and his nice rubber gloves. After moving to Los Angeles, I was tested about 6 times for every STD under the sun, and always negative. Still freaks me out to this day, though I have never had another incident like the one back in DC.

I was living with 3 guys when I started dating the air force officer. One of the girls I went to college with also was at AU at this point. One of the guys was a lawyer last name of Cohen, one worked at a Radio Station and was the most conservative liberal looking man I had met so far, and the third was a buddy of mine and into politics and government from Ohio, JTS (Stover). the air force officer and I gave it a break at one point, and my room mate JTS had an impromptu party. He invited these guys from the Russian Embassy over. Kid you not. I had this conversation with this big Russian man in our living room that was out of some film, all about Vodka and how crappy our American versions were. At the time we were downing shots of this Vodka he had brought to the party. My room mate JTS and I made some mistakes that night. this was Pre-law school and I was still at AU. After that we were distant, and later became hateful a bit. I ended up going back out with the air force officer. JTS left the door open once though and my cat got out. My lawyer room mate and i were fighting over his bad habits in the kitchen as I kept getting sick because I found out he had been putting his dirty rinsed dishes on my drying rack. Our third room mate was the cleanest in the kitchen, or so I thought, though when we moved out I found sticky stuff all over the cabinets and spent hours scrubbing them off. He and I rarely spoke and when we did we were on opposite political sides of the fence so we kept our distance. I later got a thank you letter from the owners of the house for taking care of everything including the utility bills. The guys moved out and left me to clean up. I ended up taking my CAT to my grandmothers as I had developed an allergy to her. that was hard. JTS or the lawyer left a shirt also and some other items that I removed to the porch to be taken away along with some old furniture I wanted to get rid of. none of them would tell me what they wanted me to do with the stuff they left. I actually remember writing them each a letter describing the items, telling them what I did with them, and informing them that i wish they had called me. the radio guys letter came back return sender. I had tried to call them and no one seemed to care about the items.

After that I moved to Silver Spring into a two bed room with a room mate near Silver Spring Metro. the house with the 3 guys had been near AU. I was starting law school at Catholic,though because I had to change my final thesis topic, I still was not graduated from AU. I also remember I got a PO Box at this time because I was not sure who my new room mate was and did not want to hear from the lawyer room mate again. I liked his girlfriend though. She was nice. I finally found a topic for my thesis and graduated after I finished law school.

I look back and realized I moved every year. seriously the longest I stayed in one place was like 3 years. I could not stand being in the same place for more than that. I never felt like i fit in. I was always looking for something to call mine I think,and not a person. The acting community too was small in DC and rather difficult a nut to crack as most of the professional theater there was equity and the community theaters were all tied to educational programs. I also did not like auditioning at that point. Now I relish it. I did take some acting classes at AU and even was the lead in a one act play. Truth is I auditioned two times in DC, and got the play. the other part was for a film and I almost had that one two, but the director wanted a smoker. I kind of found my place when I moved to Los Angeles, being on sets. It is killing me a bit every day that the industry has done what they have done to me and I know I don’t deserve it. It is as if someone created some story about me but what ever it is – it is so bad or so prejudicial no one is having the courage to tell me about it. I also realize that there was no place for me in DC. I did not want to spend my life with government and politics. I was a political science major for one semester in college and quit it for a reason. even though i ended up going to law school I was never your traditional lawyer. I realize looking back though that there were people who wanted me to be and expected me to be, but in the end you have to be yourself. For me that meant acting and the arts period. I think it is shameful to try to make someone be “responsible” by putting them in a position where they can’t strive to reach their own goals. If this also happened to me because people wanted to stop me from being a “star,” well you stopped me from having dreams, goals, hope and any sense I will ever have something that is in essence MINE again standing on my OWN doing MY OWN THING. making me do what conservatives in this country want or making me work for jobs with no hope I will get to ACT again or be around creative types again- you might as well be telling me to be mentally ill for the rest of my life, unstable, and miserable.

I hear stories about people losing their work but then getting rehired. Clooney, the writers of “Balls of Fury” were apparently repeatedly fired from Disney and rehired, but then I have been treated like I should have just died of the cancer. NOT COOL and kind of Prejudicial.

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