I have been thinking of this for ten years. I do not think people in our society want to see justice happen. It is the puritanical we are supposed to suffer. I have spent my entire life being told that what ever Divine being made the planet will save us and that suffering is a part of life. Yet it just felt negative and cruel and an excuse to just accept that life is supposed to be bad and prevent or side step being happy.

The real reason I feel better without a God looking over my shoulder is JUSTICE. In law Justice is where people are given what they deserve after they are wronged. But with the cultural norm being we are all supposed to suffer, how can Justice be served? It makes it even more difficult for people to be given hope of a future when we have bitter unhappy people.

We made assumptions too. We assume other people are going to be all right. But how many people in American are homeless and how many may be people we knew once. The shy kid in elementary or the class bully in this age of not caring and where bullying has become normal behavior, we all may have met someone who we once connected with and now they are gone or suffering.

We flick through life like fireflies. We flirt with what we can deal with. I know. I can not deal with people. I live over and over the days when my life ended and my nightmare began and the things that could save me, that are normal for other people, just send my brain spiraling even more.

I was this girl who was smart and did my job and did nothing wrong, until I was violated and started speaking out about it. In that moment I realized things I heard about happening to other women were suddenly happening to me. Gossip that was not true became true enough because it was repeated enough, until I became the perpetrator of something sick and offensive, and yet no one would tell me what it was, except an online troll who said things that I think they must have heard in their head. Versions of the truth they needed to make real to justify my abuse.

We see the world through our own eyes and experience and few dare to open up to another’s view. I am supposed to be like you right? I should just do what you would do to survive. But some people simply can’t. They CAN’T.

Have you ever talked to people who served overseas who openly admit to having PTSD? I have. They are forever changed. It is not a solution of a pill or a therapist. They have to make life choices and remove things that make them relive the pain. For me everything now reminds me of my pain. I keep thinking I had things I wanted to get done and they will never be finished. I will never make ARTISTIC HOPE into something to leave to the Kid I now will never have. I will never finish my 60 page horror script. Forget about my script about my experience with cancer. I had a TV show Idea I was researching about a cop and mobsters set in Los Angeles. I do not want to move somewhere else. I have lived in Los Angeles for 17 years. There is so much here I have not seen and want to. I do not want to go somewhere I have not been and never thought of going to, or a place I have been and hated.

But then I think people are jealous and manipulative. For me people do not matter to me unless they do. You have to be someone I trust and that is not something I do easily.

I also do not think enough people understand psychology or how the mind works. I think if we did, we would all get along better. My brain does not function the way yours does. It is not because I am crazy, but because I am just different. I am more intuitive and internal. I live inside my head. Forcing me out of my head space and trying to make me think the was others do is actually abusive and has left me with this dark void inside. I used to have this fantastic imagination. I still do, but it has stopped really functioning freely. I had a troll that attacked me so many times I started to believe them. I have no talent. I stopped feeling safe. I stopped reading books. I now find myself talking to myself and I can not connect to other people and do not want to. I relive over and over going to the set and being told I am on a list. I relive over and over being molested. I relive over and over losing my breast to cancer. I remember being tripped on set and not being able to bend my knees and being terrified.

We live in a culture where people are mean and cruel and they do not even realize their actions bury other people. For me it is a world I have a hard time being in. I feel others energy and we have way to much hate. I do not think I will get justice but then to many people are in pain and they do not even realize without justice my life is over. All I keep thinking is that I should finish my script and maybe I can sell it to save me, but then I think no one will want to cast me in the part I wrote for myself so why bother. My troll has convinced me my acting career is dead. But then I do not want any other career without it. I do not care if I could make money and buy things, I will never love my job or the people in it as much as I love being around actors. I hear actors describe their work and I understand it more than anything else. I get it. I do not get selling things. I hate details. that is another problem in our culture. People who think we all have the same skill set or who just think just get a job and make money and that is the answer. I can’t. I keep thinking that Ill never get to be the person I am at my best. I have characters in my head I needed to play.

Sometimes I wish someone would understand. We live though in such a shallow time. Quick money. Quick solutions. But we do not realize the journey is not supposed to be laced with pain but with peace and happiness. Acting to me is not hard. People just made it impossible for me to get work. People assumed I would get a job and move on. But my head can’t. It just keeps thinking I think like an actor and I need justice. But we do not care about the one, in the sea of many. But then I think, how many ones are there. How many people are being ignored in pain. One is a difference. I think I may have to suffer the way people want me to, and when my life is over, maybe then things will change. But that is what my mother wrote to me over and over, when we die things will be better. But what if they are not and this is all I have and no one will let me have peace or my rights that i earned. I live blocks from AFI and can not study there. I think my parents are kind of sick actually, on the one hand they say God love me, but then they say suffering is part of God’s love? I was happy and they did not stand up and stop the people who lied about me or were slandering me and went along and agreed with them, while also telling me they knew I did nothing wrong. they have let me be embarrassed in front of their friends. they have played games and in the end I do not want to see them.

I wanted a kid safe from abuse. I wanted a man who was strong, and not weak. People are not perfect but men who can not stand up for what they believe in piss me off. I like actors, but not people who play games. I like people who have integrity and smarts. I also like people who are not blinded by a religion or prejudice and who care.

I had so much I wanted to achieve and I am sick of people trying to undermine me out of jealousy while I have been so sick I spent weeks in bed not moving. And when I finally did get strong only to be attacked again on line. It is so wrong and what terrifies me is that I would not be surprised to find that someone with the California Government or the LAW is involved.