My Earliest Memories
I was born in Virginia. My earliest memory was I think maybe my mother pregnant with my brother at 2 1/2. Time is actually irrelevant to a child. You remember day to night, but not details. I remember my baby sitter gave me a tadpole in a plastic butter container. I remember the boy who lived across the street who was older would play mouse trap with me. I remember my best friend was a kid who lived next door who had two kittens, a badminton net and a swing that was a board hung by ropes from a tree.
I remember my room was on the second floor and I think I had glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. I had a doll that was as tall as I was and if I moved its body its feet moved like a marching soldier. My window looked to the back of the house and I could just barely see my best friends back yard. I remember my mother would buy from an Avon lady and that Avon lady would give me little lipstick samples that I used on my dolls. I drew out of dolls rather quickly. I got bored. I preferred books even before I could read. I would try to pretend to read.
I remember being baptized at three years old in a big Methodist church, though for some reason I remembered it as Baptist. I think I always thought of my mother as Baptist. I remember long wooden pews and large windows and the water on my head.
I am glad my earliest memory is not before two and a half. At 18 months I broke my left femur bone. I was told I was reaching for a large book on top of a dresser. I slipped. My leg went under the dresser, twisted, and the book landed on my leg in such a way that it broke it. I believed that story for years. But then once in my adult years my Mother told me almost as if she were talking to herself, that the police had questioned my father about the break. They thought it was too clean. I do not remember why she told me this or exactly when. It was before 2005 and after 1995. It was before my parents had their dentist not clean my teeth when I had to have metal molars removed. Looking back for a while I thought my father may have broken my leg. But my parents have a sick co-dependent relationship and so now I wonder if my mother was the one who did it. I remember her beating my dog.
Violence never solves anything. You do not get true respect causing fear. The more time I spend in a relationship with my parents the more I fear their meanness over casts my life. They do not make me a better person. They make me angry and callous. They also terrify me. I do not want them to admire me or be proud of me. I want their respect, which means I want them to stay out of my life. I was so happy and content with my life as a struggling actress.
I do not feel like I belong in California any more if I can not be on sets and be a working actor. But I do not belong anywhere if i can not be an actor. My father kept telling me he never said he wanted me to give up acting. I can not be an actor if I can not be a professional one. I do not want to just do acting for fun because I do not want to work with people who are not good at it or only treat it like a joke. I do not have fun doing acting if I am dealing with people who can not remember their lines or over act.
I once made my ex boyfriend FRANK go to an acting class with me in Washington DC. He was a goof ball and did not take it seriously. It was annoying and frustrating. That was the moment I think I realized I did not want to spend the rest of my life with him. He did not respect what I liked to do.
I remember as a kid the cicadas and their shedding skins. Creepiest memory of my life in Virginia. Since being ostracized from acting and being on sets and actors, I feel like that skin-dry, brittle, and very breakable. But I would shatter into a thousand pieces before spending the rest of my life in a lie. I will be lying if I say I am happy or that I want to get a job and make money and live for a car or a house. I do not want to travel, not unless I am traveling to do acting. I do not like being around lots of people. I do not want to see the world. I want to build a career where I get to me in my imagination again where I feel safe.
I do not feel safe without acting. I had this vibrant imagination in my head and now my brain is quiet. My thoughts are so quiet that I feel like I am really getting nothing done and have nothing to accomplish. I do not want to live a life of boredom where I have a mindless job and collect a pay check. I went to law school and I am being told I can not do what men get to do. I can not have a career in the entertainment industry. I am not allowed to have my own goals and my own dreams. I do not dream about moving from California. I do not dream about money or things. I dream up stories in my head and I want to make those stories and people real. It is not a symptom of insanity. I was never crazy. I was talented and men destroyed my ability to create when they decided I could not make it as an actor.
Someone today said I was uncultured and that training in Theater was not a wise decision. If I had not taking acting classes I would not be alive now. I would have ended my life a long time ago. Life is boring to me. I do not want adventures in the world when I had so much already going on in my brain. I stopped day dreaming. Congratulations I guess that means you made me stop being a kid and grow up. But part of me now hates me so much and hates the fact that I can not relax in my own skin that I want to hurt myself. That is what telling me I need a job and telling me my acting career is dead has done to me. You have made me a person who thinks nothing and feels nothing but rage and pain.
I am not going to have real friends because I will always look back at my life and NEVER REGRET being a theater person and NEVER REGRET working as an extra. I would not have had a mastectomy if I could not be an actor. If I can not stay in California I will not leave. I will keep my implants and die with them IN ME.
You want to bond with me over some show you love to watch and actors you like to admire. I am going to want to punch you in the face or scream rape if you touch me because if I can not act on a set ever again or be around actors or make the movies and stories that were in my head come to life, I am going to get angry and you want hate you. I am not going to want to be your fellow fan buddy. I am going to want to kick you in the nuts every time you talk about a movie you like. I am going to want to hit you over the head every time I have to make you dinner or do anything for you because I will never be satisfied if you do not respect that I am an actor and I love acting. You want to tell me acting is just pretending then I am going to want to be violent and grab your hair and pull it off. I was a nice girl who would never hurt anyone and this is how I now think because you need to kill my dreams and not respect who I say I am and what I want from life.
I am full of rage and not love for people anymore. I do not want to have anything to do with people at all. By the way I am not gay. I hate women. I prefer having men friends. I prefer working with men. I am a CIS STRAIGHT FEMALE. This was my life and I have not been happy since I worked on sets in 2007. I have hated every moment I have been alive and can not be with SAG AFTRA and working on sets.
To the men out there who think I will date you or you can make me be in a relationship with you. I am not available to anyone ever. Not if you can not respect who I am and I dumped my ex boyfriend who lives in a mansion to be an actor.
To the person who said I am uncultured. You are a snob. You are not cultured. Culture is not deception or being born with money. Bullying me the way you did today. You have no right to use the word CULTURE. You can not be cultured if you make people feel suicidal. You have no class at all.