Why I want COVID
Crazy but true. I want the virus. At the same time I wear my mask and I practice social distancing. I want it but I also do not want to be responsible for others getting it.
My life has been over for a decade. Everything I wanted to achieve destroyed by the elite of Hollywood and by gossip and lies. I was watching Katy Keene this week and they had a similar theme. A woman driven out by rumors and well I did not like how it ended. The character of Keene chose her own career, but then that is how life is. We claim to be a culture where ego does not matter but we are really all about ego.
I keep getting told by GOP conservatives on LInkedin and other sites I need to accept I am a failure as an actor and to move on. Well I can not live with that. I can’t. I should never have been made a failure. I do not want to give up. I am not the type of person who QUITS what I love or want to do. And forcing me to quit is not right. It is making me want to kill myself and not making me want to go live with my parents or go to church. it is making me hate god and the people trying to make me miserable by giving up my dreams. I am not interested in being with people who want me to fail. I am not interested in dating men who make me feel like a loser because I had to give up acting to live and date them.
You think you are brilliant? You did the right thing? I was wasting my life being an actor? Well I am sorry but my fantasy life was my way of coping with how horrible I see the world and I think you are a bully and a monster for trying to make me be who you want me to be. You think my acting was a sign I was crazy? No I am crazy now because I can not be an actor. I want to hurt myself. I want to hurt you for not wanting me to be good at acting and for not wanting me to achieve my goals and dreams. I am going to never love my job or be driven to make things better because I hate admin work and I hate routine and I like changing who I am. I like being someone else for short periods of time. I do not care if you think that is nuts. To me it is what makes my mind love life and want to keep going. I write songs but the songs are not real. I make them up about loves I never had or things that never happened. I do not want to be me and I do not want you to know me. I like my privacy.
My working on sets and working to be an actor was the ONLY time in my life I secretly did not feel suicidal or miserable and I was genuinely happy. I have spent most of my life hiding how miserable I was because my parents were abusive narcissists demanding my life revolve around them. It was the first time in my life I felt like I had a home. I do not have work or a career or happiness or joy with out acting. I do not want to hang out with you. I do not want to go out to dinner with you. I do not want to move back to MARYLAND even if there is an actor back there who wants to date me. I do not want to go to the movies with friends if I can never be on a set making movies.
I am so tired of being not respected. I am so tired of feeling like AMERICA is going backward. Women are now being forced to only be friends with WOMEN and I do not really like WOMEN that much. I do not like liars or lying either. I am sick of being told I can not do what men can do but I earned a LAW DEGREE. I was a licensed lawyer and you are telling me I can not be one because I am a woman. I can not be an actor because only men can have sustainable careers. Well I am losing the capacity to have children soon at all and when that happens I never want to have a man in my life ever. I would rather be alone. I would rather die alone. You wanted me to disappear. Well I do not want to exist if I have to disappear.
I can not be a lawyer. I can not. I have been traumatized way to much and I am good at acting. Some one saying I did things that were so horrible I can not be on sets anymore and YET no one will tell me who or what, that says allot about how honest and true the reasons are. My truth is I can not give up acting because I hate life without it. I do not like people who do not want me doing acting. I can not even read a book and enjoy it anymore and I am full of rage and stress and THERAPY AND PILLS are not going to fix me. There are not enough pills on the planet to end my depression if I have to get a job and live my life without a future as a known working acting. I am not interested in being a good friend if being a good friend means I have to be miserable and can not be who I am. You ARE NOT MY SOULMATE IF I HAVE TO GIVE UP ACTING. YOU ARE NOT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IF I CAN NOT HAVE MY IMAGINATION AND LOVE LIFE. I AM A DREAMER. I do not care if you think I am delusional. YOU ARE DELUSIONAL IF YOU THINK I WILL BE A GOOD LAWYER OR WIFE TO A LAWYER WHEN I THINK OF THE LEGAL PROFESSION I THINK ABOUT KILLING MYSELF AND NOT IN BEING USEFUL OR HAPPY. I am overcome with RAGE and anger and you are so evil for wanting to stop me being at peace and happy. YOU LAWYERS ARE EVIL to me.