Game of Chess & I’m proud to be Losing
I went out tonight, but came home early and tried to drown my sorrow in soy ice cream, hot heated cherries, and a bottle of Newton’s Folly. I had options and maybe picked the wrong one. Not a good way to end October. This month has seen me realize how much my life has lost its meaning, direction, and hope. It does not matter if you have skills others can use, if you don’t feel comfortable or happy about being forced to use them to survive. I feel I am being reduced to an animal and pushed into a corner so my only options are to give up everything I love or care to do, just so I can keep the basic necessities of life. But what kind of life is that if there is no joy, spice, flavor, passion, nothing to make you want to spread your wings and fly. I feel like a pawn on a chess board at mercy to the players around me, and no moves that will not eventually lead me to a very bad check mate.
I went to a film showing and I realized tonight that being a WOMAN in America is NOT a good thing. At the event were two men from my past, neither I dated or had a desire for. One guy touts himself as a producer. He always has an entourage of attractive women with him, usually Asian. On a set for an indie film in a dark club setting, he pinched my left boob. This was back in 2004. A year later I got cancer in that breast. I will never forget that incident. The weird thing is he said thank you to me in passing after. He pushed into me in a crowded space. His production company used to stalk me all the time too. They would e-mail me and try to link up with me on every social media site. I either blocked him or ignored him. And then there this digital/ well he told me he was an editor/ guy. I should add one of the actors in a short that was playing I met at a party at the W and when I walked in he and this lady he was sitting with looked at me and made a comment that I was crazy. I am sick. Physically ill these days. My body is trying to fight constantly trying not to get a cold and I get pains in my chest area around my stomach and behind it. I also get a numbing sensation in my right toes that comes and goes. I have been trying to figure out what triggers it. I walked out during the start of the wonderful inhumane “crazy” group.
If you are a woman you are not respected until you are 100% perfect in looks all the time. Men can look like crap and get treated like gods, but a woman needs to look like a model or Hollywood will bully her into nothing. And if you are over the age of 35, you can forget about getting respect at all unless you have managed to make it by then. Not only that, but this town will try to find ways to destroy your ability to have a career. I had a teacher at SMC even state that she did not like any women actresses, and that coming from a female film teacher was deplorable to hear and take. One of my other teachers comments that only a very low percentage of women are directors. So we women are pushed out of the industry and if we refuse to quit are labeled crazy, difficult to work with, and this is especially true if we refuse to date men we are not attracted to. Someone once told me they thought I was being prejudiced against. Of course I think she thinks it is because I don’t appear to like men, but then many people knew I had a crush on an ACTOR when I had Cancer, not an actress. I was at a a stage in my life I wanted to get financial security but to make sure I did it in a way that I would be content and at peace. Pushing me into a job, even if it had some kind of social meaning, without acting as a part or it, or supporting the arts I LOVE- is the equivalent to sending me to prison for the rest of my life or hell.
I like the people who run the event I attended. I do. I go to their events all the time and I was a member of their group on line, and I think I still am. I probably should have gone to an event at SAG Foundation instead. I had this dream that while I sat in that theater someone else was stealing my acting dream. Perhaps it is justified. I do not worship the man who made me, my father. But then he keeps telling me I have “SKILLS” I can use. Yeah but if I don’t enjoy using those skills. I have a hard time going over and balancing my own accounts, and did not score well in math as a kid, but my DAD used to push me to studying accounting. I barely paid attention in statistics and wrote poetry in class instead. I feel as though I am being reduced to a person who is just a human computer- it does not matter what I love to do- the government wants to put me into a box and make me do database work again (I did that for 6 months once to pay my bills back in DC) with no hope of ever leaving anything behind when I leave this world that is uniquely mine. I’d bring a child into this world eventually if I thought that child could do what it wanted with its life. I mean the government kept telling me I can do what I want, but then I show up to the set of Grey’s to be told I am on a List and can’t be on sets anymore. AND I WAS STUDYING DIGITAL MEDIA so I could help make movies and work to make them while I also acted in them. I have a MASTERS in Performing Arts Management and yet I will be condemned to hang out with men like my father who are “too busy” to talk to me and then scream at me I did not tell him anything. I don’t know how many times I have told my father- I WAS HAPPY ON SETS. I only need to make $2000 to cover my expenses in Los Angeles a month. THAT IS ALL and people are trying to make me make 6 figures or get a steady job I will not really care about. CONGRATS AMERICA. I mean seriously, your GREED has destroyed me. THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT.
TRUST IS DEAD IN AMERICA especially where women are concerned. MY parents are PSCHOPATHS. They care more for their money then the do me. We used to shop at SEARS when I was a kid and all the other kids would make fun of me. My parents would pinch and pinch. In the decades I have lived on this earth, until now I HAVE NEVER BOUNCED A CHECK. NEVER and yet my father I think has control of my life now and no one is telling me he has control. I worked all through college, graduate school, I had jobs babysitting, and worked at a local retail store. I filed taxes every year from the age of 16 until 2008. HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE ME BE A HOUSE WIFE CHRISTIAN SLAVE TO MY FATHER WHO ABUSED ME. HOW DARE YOU.
I have a MASTERS in PERFORMING ARTS MANAGEMENT AND A THEATER DEGREE but MY FATHER APPARENTLY OWNS ME and I HAVE TO WORK WITH PEOPLE HE WANTS IN MY LIFE even if I HATE THEM. I have to get a job with an environmental group or work for the government, after all I only got one wrong on the test to work for the CENSUS but forget about me enjoying what I do and forget about what I want to even do for my life. MY parents and I HAD A DEAL, I finish my masters and My dad would pay off my Private loans which were only about $30,000. I went to college on a full scholarship so I have not had a great deal of debt in my life. I guess that my father now thinks HE OWNS ME and can make me use my law degree. Well I have not studying anything about the law in a decade and don’t want to. I HATE IT. I started studying digital media when I got cancer. BUT I AM NOT ALLOED TO USE THAT. I CAN”T WORK WITH ACTORS because I might find REAL men who care about emotions and life and things other than money and MY DADDY Does not want men to find out who I really am because I might no longer be HIS PROPERTY. THANK YOU AMERICA. I am a full grown woman but according to some of the crew on Grey’s I got to learn to RESPECT MY DAD- even if it means it drives me INSANE or gives me CANCER AGAIN.
I FINISHED MY MASTERS where I studied TV ACTING and I HAVE NO INTEREST in CASTING IF I CAN NOT GET CAST MYSELF. Thank you AMERICA for assuming I was irresponsible and assuming I could not make decisions for MYSELF and for listening to a man who cares more about his GUN collection than he ever has about his DAUGHTER. Do you know my dad wants me to end my life if I do not use my law degree and has told me I should be in prison for not practicing law. MY LIFE WAS GOING TO BE VERY SIMPLE. I get work in the industry in production and ACT. I want people in my life- CREATIVE PEOPLE- PEOPLE WHO LOVE ACTNG AND THE ARTS and not people so obsessed with money they don’t see how much DRAMA they cause for others and how NEGATIVE THEY ARE. My father keeps telling me did nothing legal to cause this. But I feel like I am being treated like HIS WARD.
I DON”T WANT A JOB UNLESS IT LEADS TO ME BEING SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE ON A FILM SET AGAIN because I WAS HAPPY making 20,000 a year and I don’t want to USE MY SKILLS as a film maker in A GOVERNMENT JOB OR A JOB INVOLVING POLITICS. I want to fight to work for the BIG 7 or indies in Hollywood. SCREW AMERICA FOR SAYING WE ARE THE LAND OF THE FREE but then allowing your citizens to be put on lists by a major corporation like DISNEY. CHECK MATE- I wanted to build a site about the arts to give back and it had nothing to do with money- you want to see really beautiful people on TV, or superficially pretty? What a fool we in this country are and what right do we have to claim to be great when we abuse and break our own and abusive fathers can buy their adult children’s lives and destroy them. I have been telling my father since I had cancer in 2005 that I would rather be DEAD if I had to do what he wants with my life and be his little clone. I GREW UP to love acting and the arts NOT POLITICS AND GOVERNMENT. I don’t even watch political shows- I watch SYFY.
JASON GEORGE SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM THE SAG AFTRA BOARD IF HE HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH MAKING ME A SLAVE TO MY DAD”S MESSED UP DREAMS of trying to make me be a little malicious abusive controlling greedy lawyer. My dad used to work in VIRGINIA BEACH, VA and my uncle was involved in Politics there. I am a girl that is sensitive and does not want to fight. I worked hard on SETS. I have had 7 men in my life and bed, not boys. I have been told I have lived, but I have not even seen the world yet, but if My parents had their way, while other women can travel and get jobs, I will be forced into living with them just like my brother has for years because of their fear of the rest of the world and LIFE and me- I will never be sane or happy again, because if sanity means I have to lie and say that I imagined being put on a list by DISNEY and that I have to say I was wrong and suck at ACTING and hate it now so I end up with a man with money to put kids in college but no interest in conversations with me or talking with me or being my true best friend, which means we talk sci-fi, film, acting, TV, story telling and Shakespeare and Holmes, then I am condemned to being the property of a guy and never ever having true love. WHAT IS ESPECIALLY DISTURBING is the fact that people are not even realizing my parents don’t want me having kids or getting married unless it is with someone my dad can go shooting with. Apparently it is more important for PARENTS in the US to like their Daughter’s mate then it is for the daughter to care about them.
DO YOU IN THE US REALIZE my life was made harder by being wrongfully taken off sets. I was paying my own rent, and car insurance. My dad wanted me to keep my car that was costing me $2000 a year in car insurance alone. I did not cause the car accident in 1997- a guy ran a stop sign. I crashed a scooter and the insurance took $500 for an accident where a guy dropped something in the road and caused another car to stop in front of me. I was cutting costs in financially hard times. I wanted LOVE not GREED or OWNERSHIP or MEN telling me I would go out with them when I did not want to. I was cut off from the people I wanted in my life. And I don’t want to be around people who don’t want me to be having FUN at my job and doing good work. Guess what- if you don’t enjoy your work- you don’t do well. Have you learned that lesson yet. And I’d rather go work as a farmer and grow trees then work in government or some twisted job in computers or database. I HAVE A PERSONAILTY and was BEAUTIFUL- look at my REEL- but as far as MY FATHER IS CONCERNED I am not successful and a failure based on the $ I have in my account. Well if I have a 6 figure income but made that money by being forced to and have to LIE to get it, I will not be able to look my maker in the face. MY FATHER CAN keep his greedy relationship with EVIL but I want out. MY WORK TO STUDY DIGITAL MEDIA is not so I can work for the SIERRA CLUB or some government agency- I wanted to create NARATIVES FOR ACTORS and if I can’t have that TOO then the last decade of my life I wasted and those who GOT ME TERMINATED- because I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. Oh wait – I refused to go out with MEN I did not want and HAD TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND or I was after some actor I hade not seen in 5 years.
I DID NOT WANT TO BE FAMOUS- I just wanted a simple future on sets and to fight to be a good actress. That is MY GOAL. I am not interested in achieving a 6 figure income, a car in the HILLS, a YACHT. I want to fight to be a good actress for the rest of my life. THAT IS MY GOAL. I have had teachers compare me to Meryl Streep. I even had a teacher at AFI, a young guy, tell me that he would cast me on “Desperate Housewives.” I thought that was funny, especially since the guy could not stop talking about how great Will Wallace is as a TEACHER- a man whose student accused me of needing to find JESUS and refused to go with me to CENTRAL to see my file on the grounds her husband who worked for FOX news could not get off work when HE COULD. THANK YOU. Maybe if people had found out about me- that I was working to achieve something and would never use my law degree. That I was not doing anything IMMORAL with anyone and that I was working to achieve goals that would help others on MY TERMS. SERIOUSLY- You really can’t make a horse drink if you drag them to water when they are not thirsty and the ONLY Thing that makes me thirsty is the desire to be back on sets and to work in film. PERIOD.
I DON” CARE ABOUT FINANCIAL SECURITY IF I don’t like what I am doing OR CARE ABOUT THE WORK I AM DOING. I built ARTISTICHOPE without making a dime and I would be working on sets and doing that with my free time, but if my job is not something I care about and in an industry I enjoy- and TONS OF MEN GET TO WORK IN IT AND MAKE MONEY IN IT. THANK YOU AMERICA. We preach freedom- but WE NO LONGER PRACTICE IT. Not if two celebrity actors on Grey’s can have a girl like me who has NEVER HURT ANYONE, always did well in school, NEVER BOUNCED A CHECK, have her life taken over my her abusive controlling DADDY because he works for the GOVERNMENT and has the right to own her and put her on a list so that not only DISNEY can’t hire her, neither can CBS or NBC. And people at AFTRA gave me the E-mail address of the VP of casting at NBC at one point. I only have to pay $100 to keep my SAG card which means access to free events where I can network with film makers. And I do make a good impression sometimes. We are all human and imperfect. I also, though SAG will not let me this year, get to take classes for $35, but I am a woman running out of time, and need to be made to QUIT so I can be forced into a loveless marriage to make babies to add to the US GNP or better no kids since the planet is over populated, the UNION would rather put me in a position where I END MY LIFE then embarrass them by becoming an actress without sleeping my way there. THE UNION IS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT WOMEN FROM ABUSE not the MEN Who ABUSE. But the UNION Makes MONEY OF THE MEN NOT THE WOMEN so they have no need to protect women or their rights to act or have a career.
I will not obey the laws of AGE and QUIT. HOW DARE ANYONE THINK I SHOULD and then claim to be PATRIOTIC or SALUTE THE FLAG or even hold up the CONSTITUTION. THAT DOCUMENT APPLIES TO ME NOW TO.
I HAVE TOLD MY FATHER OVER AND OVER I would rather have DIED OF THE CANCER if I can not be on sets- so lets take that away from me because we know that will make me go insane and so my father can take over my life and make sure I never have friends, never have love and I am a spinster in my old age. I told my father that I would become a spinster because of what happened, and he was OK with that. I AM DEALING with A PSYCHOTIC MONSTER and on sets- I was free of him.
I wanted friends- not people I can get money from –friends. People who like acting, sci-fi, story telling, poetry. I don’t like teaching and I don’t like writing really. I don’t. I like to volunteer at Film Festivals. I enjoy being around creative people, but not ones who flout power or money or greed.
The UNION instead of helping me has put my well being in danger. Background coordinator tells all- right- well do they tell that they are dating background (not me, but someone who saw me as competition) and do they tell the truth. I have not dated anyone in years, and I have not dated anyone who worked on a set since 2004. WHAT EXACTLY DID I DO? And I did keep my mouth SHUT on sets. I did not work for 5 years without knowing the RULES. At this point I think the UNION Is making sure I don’t get cast and I said and I meant it I would not work to make money if I could not put on my tax return actress as part of my income. Considering I had good credit, worked all the time, and was on my way to being a photo shop artist and a damn good one according to my teacher, Disney made a nice sweet girl (and some background artist I worked for at Carnivale actually posted on line nice people don’t make it in Hollywood) into a woman who was stable and having health issues, into a girl being called Crazy and abused. I mean I am terrified that the UNION will not let me keep my membership simply because if I do hurt myself they don’t want to claim me as being in the UNION. HOW SICK IS THAT?
I would rather LOSE at this point. I AM AN ACTRESS and I AM AN ARTIST. And if my life were to end, I would want to be known as someone who did not quit or give up, even when I had no HOPE left. Funny- I wanted to give HOPE and instead our culture and society and greed took mine all away. I want to file a restraining order so no government employees, politicians, and lawyers can come into my life unless the want to correct the wrong that was done to me. The actors at CARNIVALE- LIKED WORKING WITH ME- not the background. What does that say about the judgment of the UNION. AND I NEVER DID ANYTHING UNPROFESSIONAL ON A SET. I was planning on quitting Eli Stone to, but lets give Laura a BAD rep so we make her go do something we think is more productive with HER LIFE. How DARE YOU? I was already being productive building Artistic HOPE for free, but taking me off sets- destroyed my sense of freedom.
JEREMY GILBREATHE, NICK STAHL’s FOMER STAND IN, MOLESTED ME. Will Wallace, fro the THIN RED LINE STARING NICK STAHL’s BULLIED me. And Eric Dane gets in trouble for Threesome’s and COCAINE and his buddy on the show DEMPSEY does not believe I studied the LAW and SLANDERS me, and are you seriously going to assume that because those two are FAMOUS I AM LYING when I was a MARDLAND DISTINGUISED SCHOLAR which means I was VOTED on basically by the STATE I grew up in as BEING ONE OF THEIR BEST CITIZENS. I SHOUD ALSO Add I was offered free classes by an actor from AFI if I could get someone to drive me to their class and study with him. Well I tell this girl and she asks how she can get a deal like that. Next I know she apparently tells the police, after we talk about how I don’t want to join Scientology, that I said I would get a gun. NO I said I was scared of my dad because he has guns. The actor who offered me the classes is FRIENDS WITH WILL WALLACE.
NEXT TIME YOU THINK THAT SOMEONE WOULD BE BETTER OFF NOT DOING BACKGROUND MAYBE you should think it is not YOUR LIFE and if they are over 18 not your right to play BIG DADDY FOR THEM.