Before I started working on sets as a background artist, I moved to Los Angeles and lived with the relatives of an ex-boyfriend.  I quickly though moved out and got my own place.  I did not want to take advantage and I wanted to find people more into what I was into.  I auditioned for a film at the “University of Southern California” and I got it.  It was one of those silent films that the first year students made.  Well this morning I kept thinking about the past and decided to look at my old journals.  I don’t keep them like I used to.  Anyways I realized that I wrote about my first months here in California, about my acting teachers, my knee, and well my first film  project.  I also oddly enough wrote back in 2003 that I should move to Los Feliz.  Odd.  It took me two more years, but Los Feliz has been my home now for seven.  I wrote that I wanted to live where I am before I started working on sets, before I met anyone who even lived here.  I had joined a gym downtown because I transferred my membership from the east coast and it was the only gym in the area with a pool and the equipment I needed to work on my knees.   (I hate swimming by the way.  I do.  Though the reason I used to hate it was getting water up my nose.  I nette pot now, but now I don’t like what the chlorine does to my hair.) 

It is funny to reading the entries.  I was struggling in Ted Burnetti’s class, but actually liking Will Wallace’s class.  It was not until after he asked me to leave TVI that things went south.

I should add that I got my first Audition in Cali.  I did.  And that I was basically playing “Our Lady of Fatima.”  I thought it was odd, because a guy I knew back in DC went to Fatima and brought me a little figurine that I still have of the Saint. 

 

02/09/03

This is my story.  It is my truth.  Today is Sunday and I have tried to get out and I keep puttering about.  I owe Will Wallace a great deal.  I have courage now.  I did not find that in Ted’s Class.

My parents left for the East this past Wednesday.  I hope Grandma gets better soon.  She had a stroke in December. (The day I went to Reef’s).

I need to work  on my character for Ted’s class.  Teena the lawyer.  She is determined to win.  Her goal is to make sure criminals are put away.  She is certain of Ms. Amador’s misconduct, and sympathetic to Brian’s situation.  She believes Brian’s story of sexual abuse (if that is the correct phraseology). She is determined that the court hear, believe, and support her view of the facts.  Ms Amador is guilty.

I need to break up the language like I did the Prime Minister for my audition.

I have been practicing the lines and I think I have it down.  I am supposed to meet w/ Michael Sted today to read lines, but I have not heard from him.  He was going to work on a student film this past weekend.  I have far to go and much to do before I sleep.

Time to go to the gym/church/ and get a new cell phone.  It is 3:30.  I think I will get a new phone first.  I need to also go to the video store and rent Bowfinger SP? for my script writing class.  I want to write a review of “Confessions of a Florist” and I would like to get access to the script – monologues – the murder/ retelling of her dancing.

02/11/03 Midnight!

02/10/01 Monday.  I spent today at Kenneth Hann Park in Culver City.  It was my first real shoot.  I suck at this.  I wonder how long I can hold out.  I wonder why I want to fight and what exactly I am fighting.  The set was atop a huge hill with a fantastic view of L.A. the movie was “Twilight” directed by Susan Woo or Hoo? and Terry Underwood.  I do not think they liked me.  Sue thanked me, but I felt a level of insensitivity.  My knee is bothering me and I wonder how I can continue.  I was in so much pain and so worn out.  I could not stop when I started down the hill.

I need to find my connection to Mary.  On Sunday I attended church at St. Phillip in Pasadena, but it is a little too far for me to drive.  I may try St Andrews.  There is a dance for single Catholics in Glendale.  Who knows?  It might be good for me.

Oh Before I forget, Theresa is the name of the girl who plays Lucia.

I talked to Frank today.  We had a fight. He keeps talking  about sending me something for Valentine’s day, but I think he is full  of it.  He told me today he sent me nothing.  I think I need to send his family something, my grandmother, and the Chicos. 

I wish people understood.  I can no longer deny who I am.  I am an artist.  I need the confidence and I need my sanity.  I am neurotic, but I am harmless and very human.  God bless everyone.

I was such a bumbling idiot tonight in my script analysis class.  I want to much to impress people and to find my niche here.  One day at a time.  I need to not lose my mind.  I need a life.  I am feeling sick tonight.  I hope it is allergies.

My feet hurt from walking in the briar patch at the movie set this morning. 

I called Sarah Vanek last night- we talked of driving to Arizona, but I think I want to fly. 

Life is way to short, and I need love!

2/11/03

Cute guy in the elevator.  He has a girlfriend, but it would be good to have friends.  I need to bond with more people here.  He is having a dinner party to introduce his girlfriend to his friends.

I should move to Los Feliz.  We will see.  I need a job.  I need faith.  Time will tell.  I should work on my script analysis.

2/11/03

(This I did not write in my journal, but I believe this is the night I met Justin the actor from Grey’s Anatomy.  I remember it was after a TVI event at the Sport’s Man Lodge in Sherman Oaks.  A Girl I was with, Courtney? grabbed him and got all excited.  I did not recognize him.  He was there for pilot season, probably to get Grey’s.  Anyways I was not a huge fan.  He did tell us “not to quit.”  He also showed us his tattoo with the names of his girls.  He was smoking a cigarette.  We had just come out of the seminar.)

TVI Seminar.  LISTEN!

Paul Lazarus- Dartmouth Collee, Thater Director

Ellie Kanner- Bloomfield, CN.  INdustry Reference Guidebook.  WB; Casting; Directiong; “Face to face”; Divition- Lifetime; “Chasing Alice” pilot.

Ryan Glasgow- Singer, Producer, Manager.  Likes theater

I needto look into my headshots ASAP.

Bring in selves to role and character on the page.

E-mail Lisa about Battlestar Gallactica! (I think we found out that they were doing the new series this night.)

Know your limitations.

Really thank Will for the audition.  I owe him big time.

Be open minded always.

ROCK- ROCKREATION!   (Not sure what this was- I was a bit into rock climbing though back then.  It did not bother my knees.)

02/12/03

This has been such a rollercoaster ride.  I think I’m in trouble.  Oh well.  Such is life.  I need to work on my focus and relaxing.  I have ben so scared.  We will see.

TEd talked about memory.  Link lines to the character and agenda.  Figure out needs & wants.  It is what to focus on.  FInd out what you need from  what is said.

My knee is killing me again.  I just demonstrated some knee bends.  I hope that is the problem. 

Find someone to read lines with.  Call Michael.  He was not in class today.

02/13/03

Thursday.  This day was uneventful.  Will called me to talk about my audition.  He said I was good.  The reality of my life is that I am ugly, but that does not mean I can not find parts here.  Time will tell.

I had orientation at TVI with Tanya? Roberts.  I need to thank her.  I also gave Meredith flowers.  I like her.  SHe is  sweet. 

02/14/03

V-Day.  Frank sent me flowers and a sweet note.  He confuses me.  I was going to go to a dance, but I could not find a place to park.

02/15/03

I saw Harrpy Potter.  Awesome movie.  I loved it.

Sunday 02/16/03

Today has been uneventful.  Kellie Holloski called me.  I want to send her flowers.  better yet I will call her and get her stuff to pamper herself with.  I know- Vitamin E lotion and stuff for stretch marks.  I need to go to Fresh Fields tomorrow. 

Life can be good.  I just have to keep saying it and maybe I will believe it.  I need to kick but on Wednesday.  God help me.

02/17/03

Filmed “Twilight.”  Went to gym.  Went to prayer vigil in Santa Monica and went to see Will’s movie “Spanish FLy.”  I went to Will’s apartment and jammed until 5 am.  After party was at Damn Yankees.  (This was a freudian slip of some kind on my part.)

02/18/03

I had a makeover today.  Carmen at Sephoa in Pasadena.  (Do you really want the details of the makeup she used.  I am skipping this.  Plus I am now vegan and this was years ago.  They may not even make the makeup anymore.)

“Johnny Flinton” (Not sure who or what this is.  Written in the margin of my diary.)

02/19/03

Note to self:  I need to write about Monday night.  What a fun evening!  I went to my shoot.  I was there by 7:30 am.  I went to the gym and went back home.  I decided to go to St Monica for prayer service.  After, I went to Will’s movie premiere.  “Spanish FLy.”  It was so funny  After, I followed Will’s Friend George to Will’s Party. (Oh! There was an after party at Yankee Doodle.  I need to write down the details.  It was fun.

I had Will’s class last night.  He makes me nervous usually, But I was so tired.  He had me play Helena from Birds of Prey.  Talk as though person is deaf in scene – Ted’s direction.

“Luisa do you want to be a child of God” VOICE OVER FOR FILM:

1) The great war will end with the ground strewn with many bodies but  a second war will follow with even more death.

Note: Man will find bigger ways to destroy oneself.

2) A godless nation will sweep through the world and chaos will ensue.

FINAL 3) The white bishop, the father of the church, will fall to the ground in violence, but will not parish.

(I think this was a voice over project I was working on??)

02/20/03  Uneventful days to my knowledge

02/21/03 Unsure what I did this Friday.

02/22/03  I went to Alex’s new apartment.  I told her about Will.  I have a feeling it was a big mistake.  We practiced my scenes.  I also went to Tery Dunlop’s house to film scenes for “Twilight.”  We did voice over work.  (Don’t draw the wrong conclusion here- I was taking classes with two teachers at the same time and well felt as though I was being dishonest because I was keeping it quiet.)

02/23/03  I went to church and to Erica Woo’s house.  We rehearsed.  What a day!

02/24/03  I had script class.  It went well.  I need to catch up on work.  I talked to Grethchen.  She seems nice.

02/25/03

Tuesday.  Will gave me a scene to play Kathryn- a southerner.  She is having a divorce party, ordered by a judge.  It was an interesting night and an interesting scene.  I did well.

03/26/03

Another day with Ted.  I froze during my scene.  I decided to quit the class temporarily.  Will has asked me to join an advanced group.  It starts next Thursday.  We had a tiff.  I was pissed over his antics on Tuesday.  “Someone is scared.”  I think we worked it out.  (I have an email about this.  I told him I was having fear/ confidence issues, and what does he do, tells everyone that “someone is scared.”  I did not think it was professional or funny.)

03/27/03  Thursday.  I need to check my e-mail for what I did today.

02/28/03

Friday- Went out with Paige.  She showed me where Blake? Shot his wife.  We also went for coffee and sushi.

03/01/03 Saturday.  Saw Dark Blue in Pasadena.  I ran into Rachel from class (Will’s) at Trader Joe’s. 

03/02/03

I went to church this morning at “Our Lady of Guadalupe.”  Frank and I are fighting.  He wants to come to LA and Stay with me.  I want to be free of him.  I finished reading “the bookmobile.”  I need to go to sleep.  I want to start waking up at 5 am.

I need to check into a light source of depression.

03/03/03

Monday.  I had script class.  I finished “the 11:48 Train” but I want to re-write it.  Will called me to convince me to quit TVI class.

03/04/03

Tuesday.  I went to TVI.  They replaced Will with an agent who is supposed to be the producer of his next film.  He says they are lying.  I would never take a class simply to get a film.

I wish I knew who to trust.  I like Meredith.  I hated doing this.

03/05/03

I left letters at TVI cancelling everything.  I fasted for Ash Wednesday.  I went to church at St Philip in Pasadena.  I pray for peace, hope and love.  Paige called me at 9 pm to go to the movies.  She had a free pass.  We saw the Recruit.  It was very good.  Amy, Will’s PA called at 10:40.  I do not know why?  I was worried. 

03/06/03

Thursday.  Oh boy.  What a day.  I was not feeling well.  my monthly came today- early.  I felt so bad.  Will took us to see Willard.  It kept me awake all night.  We had class and did exercises.  I left as soon as class was complete.  Will gave us a speech in regards to being dedicated to the task.  What a day. This upset me.  I am hypersensitive to stuff and I need to back away.  I need to remember to tell Will about the producer’s assistant Robert and the movie FISH.  E-mails to Will.

03/07/03

Friday.   I do not remember what I did.  It was a slow weekend and I needed to get stuff done.  I need to get things organized.  Oh yeah- I wrote my script analysis and worked my butt off.  I got selected to be a judge next month.  (Sometimes I would skip a day and catch up.  I was also going to be judging scripts in a writing competition at this tome.)

03/08/03

Saturday.  I talked to Frank.  I bailed on my radio audition and worked on my finances.  I have found out I can go to Barnes & Nobel to read the trades.  

03/09/03

SUnday.  I had so much to think about today.  I went to noon service at St Andrews.  I wrote Will.  Why do I do this.  Why do I need to be angry.  I need balance in my life.  Ishould try to babysit or something.

03/10/03

Monday.  Ifinished both Bookmobile and 11:48 all I have is TRUE GRIT left.  Today in class I was so upset.  ANother group stole our ideas.  It made me frustrated.  I am a creative individual.

03/11/03

Tuesday.  I applied to so many jobs today.  Itahs been such a crazy day.  Frank wants me to work for him.

03/12/03 Frank wanted me to drop off some documents for his litigation in Carson, CA.  It did not happen.  I ran late.  I went to the LA bar symposium workshop on Image Development and personal branding with Sam Christenson  I also am learning so much about me.

Adam called me and gave me work at a firm.  (I am going to leave out the address- this was temp work.)

03/12/03  Image more this or that!  Wednesday.  Actors have a problem- be yourself.  Sam Christenson- worked on MASH.  Casting and management.  Command of individuality!- accept indiocincricity and quirks.

Use what given as open bridge of communication.

“Be the you that I know.”

talk about ourselves- unique.

“Better than you.”- kissenger

TRUST!- self acceptance.

Charisma- public self acceptance.

Use what you have!

Less than should have been- gift not fully used.

Get information on Group – “12” $600 4 days or 4 week nights?

(Probably some temp job?)

03/13/03

The firm is a corporate/ employee firm.  David, Jen, George, Tony & Will are the attorneys.  What a day!  I am just sitting here and writing.  Ana and Yolonda are the staff.

I ran this week for the first time.  I did 8 minutes on the eliptical.  God is giving me a miracle.

OK!  Here is my idea.  A man is obsessed with winning.  He wants to be the top dog.  He comes from a poor town and family.  He loves his life.  He has faced death and found faith.  He loses track of his ethics in the game of life.  this could be a dark drama told from the perspective of the antagonist.

Drake Ramerez is an enigma.  He commands a room with his powerful fram and wild toothy grin.  Our story opens with…

03/14/03 Friday.  I worked.  I had the opportunity to potentially work on a film for a friend of Will- Abby – Boston student.  What a trial t get it.

(I skipped some months.)

06/01/03

I have a great deal to catch up on.  This has been hard. 

New Poem

I am a woman of freedom

I seek the self to know

I do not need to be told

of how my life is to unfold.

God’s will is to be done

in this world or the next

but it is no one’s right

to chain my will with discontent.

Your will is your directive.

But if it is your objective

for my will to succeed

How dare you walk in his feet.

How dare you say?

I can not act upon this hour

I can not rap upon this stage

How dare I step into the light

and declare this is my independence day.

Well my skeletons are mine to rage.

Another idea: 

Woman has a car accident

-star with the car accident

-end with the accident again.

Story of wishing things were different.  Arc of the character- discovering things are left best as is.  God’s way.

Old Man: “God’s way or faith.”

Comedy

Lost woman in California searching for a guy.

She sat and waited through all the lies

She sat and waited for a good buy

Oh to escape the sin

of sitting waiting for him.

05/18/03 (not sure why dates out of order)

“We have been silent witnesses of evil deeds.

We have been drenched by many storms

Experience has made us suspicious of others

and kept us from being truthful and open.

Are we still of any use?”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Pastor, Pacifist, Nazi Register

Bonhoeffer- By Martin Doblineier

Voice- Klaus Maria Brandauer

AP- Adele Schmidt/ Janna Morishima

Editors: Mathew Kelly/ Timothy Finkbiner

08/17/03 (About MY FIRST DAY WORKING ON A SET)

I don’t know how to start this.  This is my morning dailies (?).  I just finished watching MONk.  What a show?  I am losing my mind or am I.  I wish I knew the truth, perhaps I never will.  Peace to the world.

This is my first attempt at this.  Paige called me at 1:15 am last night.  I fell asleep with the TV on and woke up with sermons on TV.  Paige thought it was cool.

Anyways, I am worried about my computer.  It still has a virus.  I woke up at 8 am and went to church.  I attended the 9:30 am service.  I have been watching TV.  Disney & Monk.  Monk reminds me of  my old landlord Richard W^&*^.  This week has been weird. 

I called Kathy Ann and she was such a bitch to me.  She kept pumping me for information.  I do not trust her.  She wanted me to tell her who Robert W*&%& is.  (I did not write about this but I worked as a personal assistant for this guy who had his own legal company.  I thought it was kind of shady.  Anyways he kept changing the rules on me.  First it was I was not doing enough data stuff so he gave me more hours to do, and then he changed my duties from data work but still wanted the more hours.  I felt cheated.  I got rent in exchange for working for him but I figured it out.  If I had a job doing that many hours I would have rent and then some.  He was also OCD to an extreme.  Had me shop for him and other things.  When we fired each other, he walked into my room when I was naked.  He took all my stuff without my permission and moved it into the garage and locked it up.  So I had some money saved up, because I worked full time back east for over a year and saved every penny and found a room for rent in Santa Monica and told him I needed my stuff because I was leaving period.  Literally the day after he put my stuff in storage I demanded it back or I would call the police because I was leaving.  The day he walked in on me naked I started looking for my own place, so my stuff was in storage for maybe two days.)  She attacked me on the phone by telling me that I was somehow upsetting her.  I told her I am not pretty and she tried to tell me somehow that I was hurting her.  I told her I thought she was attractive and talented and I meant it.  For some reason, I think she is a back stabbing bitch.

Wednesday, I worked on the Practice as an extra.  Kathy Ann made me angry with her negativity.  Central Casting apparently thinks I am Lana Tull.  At the set, I met JC, Timmie, David & Joy.  I wonder if I am a bitch.  DO people love me/ like me.  I wish I knew.

I ended up right behind Chris O’Donnell.  He is funny.  He made up laugh.  I am so unprofessional.  I am such a ditsy person.  I hate myself.  I was nervous and I kept writing on a piece of paper.  I am writing this because I am nervous.  I was playing press.  The PA? came over and told us what was happening in the scene and Chris said “That would not Motivate me.”  He was funny.  LC got a copy of the Call sheet so I have a souvenir.  It was a mistaken one.  Anyways, I talked to Niki and Terry today.  I miss little Christin.  Niki’s kid is Shaleah.  I talked to Debbie at Christian Science Monitor?  I told her about CBEST.  I need to check my mail.  The results may be out.

I worked out at the GYM yesterday and got my taxes done.  I need to get settled and get a job.  I need to be closer to my gym.  I am tired of watching TV.  I met a nice guy named Gary at the Practice set.  I called Cabot from the Practice set.  It was really cool.  I still can not believe I did it. 

I hate the fact that I do not have a Computer to write with.  I need to work on my computer.  I am insane.  I cannot believe this.  What a hassle.  I still like Will, but I need to get my tickets for the concert next week.  What a DAY!

I dropped my laundry off at the Dry cleaners.  I found a place with environmental stuff.  I need to get my leather jacket cleaned but it will cost me about $30.00. 

I need to go to Paige’s party tonight for son.  It is his birthday.  I also need to go to the gym and to the church of Scientology.  (Yep this was when I got involved with them- big mistake.)

This is a weird Sunday and I am procrastinating.  I need to remember to go to the Computer store and check on my computer.

Oh boy what a day!  I think I am deserving of ridicule because I am breathing.  I need love.  Perhaps this is my last day to breathe.  We will see.  I am writing now just to write.  I must not re-read this.  I must not re-read this.  I must not re-read this.  Perhaps this will lead to other things…

 

(And I did not re-read this until today.)

And when I say I called some one from the set- I mean holding, outside, on the lot.  calling someone while shooting- NEVER a good idea.

I also forgot that technically I shot a film before I started working background.  OK a student film but still…

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