Love Betrayal and Stupidity
I keep wondering why people keep bringing up George Clooney to me. First there is this guy who I used to work with on sets. Back the year I found out I had cancer I worked the show “Sleeper Cell.” They originally had me as FBI but the casting agent would cast me in other categories as well. One day I got a call requesting me on the show. I was already booked to be on a commercial and had to say no. It was not a re-call just a request. I found out later that it was a day in a diner scene. There were few people on set and every person non-union called in received a voucher. I found out from the guy I used to work with. I saw the show. The only diner scene had Blake Shields in it. Well you see the guy who got vouchered that day and I recently talked and all he could talk about was how great a guy Clooney was. I agreed, but then also part of me was like, so? I loved working with him the three times I got to work. Very generous and kind people. No screamers. Within reason we could have fun and do the job, just not when the camera was on, which anyone who knows me, I get pissed if people mess me up when I am trying to work. I kind of thought, though when I look back maybe this guy did not know, that there was something different about “Sleeper Cell.”
I never dated a celebrity, though considering an actor I know recently told me he is not one, when many people would disagree, makes me ponder the definition. I have been in love with one, well from my perspective he is one, or became one while I was fighting cancer. We never kissed. We just talked. But there was something there. It may have been just the fruits of two souls who were meant to be friends for life, but Hollywood is a place where love and friendship are not at times seen for what they are. The summer I had cancer I fell in love. I thought I was crazy. I thought I was going to die. It took me a year but I finally had the courage to write the man and find out how insane I really was. The funny thing is the letter I wrote to him, I can’t open on my hard drive. It is as if it has been infected or encrypted somehow. The introduction I wrote to his manager telling him who I was, and that I worked on Carnivale with him, and that the letter was private and for his eyes does still work. This makes me wonder if who ever has been attacking my computer is a friend of his, or is someone with the church of Scientology protecting one of the celebrities from me since I refuse to join.
Because of recent events I can not hide his response to me anymore. I am tired of the slander to my person, the insinuations I am NUTS, or the fact that people think I need help. I am NO ONES STALKER. On the set of Eli Stone I mentioned that I thought Clooney was the BOMB and this woman on the set who used to be a cheerleader in Chicago looked at me like I had committed a crime by saying that. Clooney at the time was with an Italian Model. I was getting over a recent short lived break up and dealing with a young man I thought I could be friends with but others were acting like I was a cougar and I was also still dealing with knowing I for the second time I had met a man who clicked with me in a way no one had in years. On the set of Eli I got so fed up with the background comments that finally I showed a PA a picture of an actor I had liked and told him this is a guy I would follow, but I was not, and I was not after Johnny Lee Miller. Next thing I know this PA is talking to the AD about someone being late all the time and I find out later in the week she told Central I was off the show. This guy was not in the cast of that show. And if she had read the email she would have found out that neither one of us did anything. Oh wait- I was background and therefor I was being unprofessional. that is BULL. my family does not love me. They would not want me with a man like this actor. He and I would have had too much in common and he was not a man with a “Real job.” But I will NEVER love again because I was taken off sets. I will never enjoy the journey of life because I am not on sets.
Clooney tried to talk to me the summer of 2006 and I refused to talk to him. I would have loved to have worked with him and for him. I was into a guy I met on Carnivale. I was terrified the PAs would fire me. I had a JOB to do and I LOVED MY JOB.
You see I am sick of people insinuating I don’t know people in the industry when I DO, or that I am not known by some people either, or destroying my HOPE by insinuating I am living in a dream world and NEVER WORKED On SETS, don’t deserve my SAG card, or that I have not loved acting since I was 19. People in the real world- listen up- you destroyed my HOME, my safety and my sanity. I hated DC and that was NEVER home. My parents sold the house I grew up in, so that is not home,and thought they re-created my room in Arizona- that is just creepy. My cousins stalk me on line and follow me but don’t get I am working in a hard industry but I want the challenge. I will not be the broken failure they want me to be in a real job with pretend friends. I mean seriously if I am only going to have friends who can get me JOBS and WOKR than I only want film and crew people and actors because those are the people I understand and taking me away from that world is NOT making me responsible. But what can I expect. Lawyers don’t care about LOVE, Freedom, justice and happiness they only want me in miserable job I hate.
I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN because the people I cared about were the ones who let me work on sets. I will NEVER be free and I will never know peace and I will never CARE about paying my bills when my father OWNS me now and I am not free. I may lose trust with this, but my UNION is acting like I am what stalking someone on the BAORD. Are you crazy? I have been through one nightmare after another. Not being allowed to network with people LIKE BLAKE is not going to make me be responsible. talking to MY FAMILY behind my back is not going to make me be who they want me to be and LOVE someone who is NOT AN ACTOR. And moving on from BLAKE- I DID but that does not mean that I AM HERE to get a MAN I DON”T WANT OR LOVE. I AM HERE TO GeT A JOB ACTING and to work on sets and IF I AM NOT ALLOWED TO UNTIL I PAY FOR LAW SCHOOL after I was tripped, had my toe smashed intentionall and all around people connected to MD, my father’s government world, and DISNEY, well it will be a blizzard day in Los Angeles before I will work in a job in an office. WHERE DOES IT WAY I must join a LAW firm or work for the government or the NEWS and not the entertainment industry. THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN who never use their education for what it is intended. I mean I have met former engineers, pre-med students, accountants, Denzel Washington studied ecnomics. ANd just because I can’t shake a pom-pom that does not mean I am not an ACTOR.
I told Blake off shortly after receiving this e-mail. I wanted to push him away. YOu see I had been MOLSESTED by a guy we both knew. I wonder looking back if I had been more courageous and told him i had CANCER the summer of 2005 if he might have been there for me and been a friend. Maybe then I would not have gone out bar hopping with this stand in and his friends. the stand in knew I liked Blake. That night he told me “Blake wants to nail you to the wall.” Instead, the stand in tried to take advantage of me. I wonder if Ihad told Blake about my pain that last day I saw him on Sleeper Cell if I would not be having nightmares today. You see Blake and I never worked for ABC together or Disney. He never was on Grey’s. So who did Dempsey and Dane think was my soulmate. I did not know until I received the Email that Blake was taken either. Though the girl friend of a crew person found out I liked him and apparentl while I was fighitng cancer told people i was after a man in a relationship. NICE huh.
Just weeks after my mastectomy I was driving down La Brea and on a billboard on the side of the road was Blake’s face. I cried like I was at a wedding. I thought He deserved this. He talked to me as though I was an equal. He talked to me like we had been friends for life. I also cried because I KNEW HOLLYWOOD would never let me see him again. NEVER. I knocked on his trailer door the last day I was on Sleeper Cell and said good bye. When I left the PA commented that I thought I would never be there again. I did not know if I were going to live or die. I lived, but after being told I could never be on sets again, I wonder often why. When You are working hard and being professional aned also being human, fighting cancer and even being in love with LIFE, and it gets taken away becuase others want you to be into things and good at things and want to work at things you don’t and just for MONEY- WHY DID I SURVIVE?