Saturday Hollywood had a rally for peace and I went to take pictures.  I have a picture taking fetish.  I love to shoot political rallies.  It is funny though because back in DC I did not care.  DC has them all the time and after awhile you get desensitized to them.  I don’t think I would enjoy them as much either.  I find that the rallies in California have their own unique flavor.  I see a trend of a movement back toward the 60s form of political activism, except without police officers using force to stop the demonstrations as much. 

I had a script class so I missed the opening.  My class reviewed the start of a work I am writing based on my own life experience.  I am on the right track for once.  I am tired and scared allot these days when I sit still and think about my life.  I am my own person and well I think I know what I can and can not do.  I am not qualified to work in a law office and have done nothing with my law degree since 2002.  I can research but I’d rather do research for films or TV.  I’d be better off with working in the industry since i know that field and I don’t know the legal stuff as much anymore and Don’t want to waste time moving back to that when I never wanted to stay in that to begin with. I never promised anyone Id become a law firm or government lawyer.  that is the walter middy dreams of others.  I don’t like the hypocrisy I feel I see in America.  Don’t tell me we are free but then demand you tell me what job I need to do to help you.  I feel as though people are selfish in ways they were not in the past.  I feel reality TV has caused some to lose sight of the sense that you really can’t tell others how to live. 

I am not in a Walter Middy world.  I know I want to be around actors, working with actors and that most people in my life in California know me as an Actor.  In a country that claims to be free, how dare anyone tell me I am anything else or want me to be what I can’t be.  If I am going to survive, I need a reason and not one forced onto me by others.  I know helping others is good but I have no interest in destroying the environment, fighting to get power I don’t want or need, and I don’t like insurance so I am not selling it, and I don’t want to own a house.  I want to make movies and travel and write.  I don’t have a man in my life and I don’t want one unless he is my soul-mate and that is not with someone who is not into acting or good at it.  Don’t tell me who you think that person is.  I can write poems, sing, act and I am a bit of a graphic artist, but that does not mean a guy who can do the same things is it, and that also does not mean a man with money is either.  To me it is something very spiritual and chemical and if both of those things are not there it will never work.  I spent four years with a man who was the wrong person for me because I went with the one who was there and wanted me, instead of following my heart and no one elese’s.  It does not mean I did not care about him, but finding out he lied to me about who he was and his motives for me doing the things I wanted to do, ruined that relationship for ever.  I told the truth from the beginning on where I wanted to go and what I wanted to be, and he did not listen.  I am not in Hollywood to chase celebrities or fame, but because I love being on sets and working on sets and acting and making movies and that is what I am most experienced in doing.  Anyone thinking I would be a huge success in the legal profession when I think about it and want to die is insane.  Anyone who thinks Id be better off as a clerk is crazy, because even if the income is steady I would want to fight to join the Union and if you took that away from me I would want to be dead.  I would have nothing to fight to live for or achieve because I don’t want to earn a car, or house, or boat, or mansion or huge bank account.  I know when I die the only thing I have to take with me is memories and I love spending my time fighting to be on sets and act. 

 I am very smart and creative and I can write songs and poetry.  But I wrote a few songs in college that I used to sing but I also used to act and I don’t need some stalker from my past making me give up what I love from some petty place of jealousy.  I did not assault anyone and while I sit at home the PA that did assault me gets to work.  I am not making a bad name for my institutions of education, they are if I can’t act because of the greed or desire to make me be a nerd or dork when I really never truly was.  I used to dance and party in college and acted.  I keep this sense that someone or something does not want me on sets or acting anymore.  Sorry.  I can’t make money out of nothing and I can’t make money if I can’t do what I chose to live for. I don’t care about having a retirement fund and knowing that my own father would rather have me end my own life and that others would rather have me be dead than happy and working and acting.  If you don’t want me acting or healthy or well and performing, but want me miserable in pain and dying, what does that make you?  Insanity legallly is knowing the difference between right and wrong- I know the difference.  If you want another human being to suffer, are you sane?

I just broke my glasses.  I can’t afford new ones.  I have an  ulcer probably, and I know at least one of my friends wants me to lose my ability to be in a union.  I will never be forced to love anyone and forced to do anything and I would rather die with people knowing I spent my last hour fighting to act than striving to do anyting else on the planet.