I figure since my life is short I might as well reveal my work to the world. \u00a0I don’t know if I will ever finish this. \u00a0I went to an event at the CELBRITY center to support a friend. \u00a0He is just a friend. \u00a0He wrote an \u00a0article about me in the examiner on my fight with breast cancer. \u00a0So I went to the event and had my picture taken on the red carpet pointing at his company logo- weird review. \u00a0The next day I realized that THe ACTOR’s CENTER had blocked me on my twitter. \u00a0They were letting me perform. \u00a0Frankly I think the last time I was there I was not good. \u00a0 One of the actors from PARENTHOOD which stars SAM JEAGER is a part of their group. \u00a0I was kind of suspect as to who or why I ended up being invited. \u00a0I went to an event at the SAG FOUNDATION with one of the directors of the center as a host and saw several people who worked background with me on ELI STONE. \u00a0One of whom could not look at me. \u00a0I was kind of put out a bit and not sure how to react. \u00a0The man who checked me in, african AMERICan looked at me like he wanted to smack me. \u00a0It is enough we have soldiers dying in the middle east for our freedom, and yet I think we are still the only country that has killed more of its own. \u00a0At one time statistically the CIVIL WAR had more war victims and more US victims than any war in the history of the world.<\/p>\n
ANYWAYS, I started working on this about two years before 50\/50 was announced coming out. \u00a0I was actually hashing through these roughs in the SCRIPT LAB up in north hollywood. \u00a0I got upset though when one of the members shot it down for being about an actor. \u00a0He said no one would care about an actor getting cancer. \u00a0I still remember JEFF OLAN telling me how Christina Applegate had lost her breasts as though her fight was more important than mine and my quest to work on sets was insigificant. \u00a0It made me feel like I did not matter and as if I should have just not fought for my life. \u00a0I am now mentally ill. \u00a0I have panic attacks. I want nothing to do with government types, social workers, or suits. \u00a0I want to be back on sets. I want to be in an acting class so I have some hope that I will be working on projects acting again. \u00a0I cry all the time. \u00a0I bite on the edges of my wallets or books in a state of complete fear. \u00a0And if some CONSERVATIVE or republican starts following me on twitter I really get paranoid and have an emotional fit. \u00a0I am only hurting myself and i know it. \u00a0A year ago I was emotional but not like this. \u00a0Having been man handled by the cops I now can’t function. I think about them invading my space like my FATHER coming into my room as a child and telling me he could take anything away from me when ever he wanted because it was his roof. \u00a0MY insane parents who tell me they knew I would fail, tell me that they are happy when I get tripped on a set because I have to give up what I love. \u00a0I am here to do things for them, not myself. I am here to serve them. \u00a0Forget about me having normal relationships where I hang out with someone with things in common with me.<\/p>\n
I think of PETER HOFFMAN who just died of heroin. \u00a0I was never a real fan of his work. \u00a0He did a film with ARNE STARR who was on set when I worked for the last time for CENTRAL and for GRAY”S and he told people who I think were SCIENTOLOGISTS that i had an issue with their religion. \u00a0I just wanted to have my own beliefs and to be respected- left alone to be an individual.<\/p>\n
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I think there is a seed of something that might have been good in these pages. \u00a0the first 20 pages I quickly wrote in an hour. \u00a0I kid you not. \u00a0I could not figure out where I wanted to go from there. \u00a0I think I reveal to soon the cancer and the dialogue is cheesy. \u00a0I also was incredibly MAD with MEN. \u00a0I was told I guy I had liked was married. \u00a0I accepted that and I was uncertain based on what was said if he had something to do with my blacklisting from sets. \u00a0I was shocked for some reason because it seemed OK for me to be talking to PONZIO a CATHOLIC ITALIAN BY THE WAY. \u00a0Cynthia YOUNGBLOOD said that to DEMPSEY AND DANE. \u00a0NO ONE HAD THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME DATE SOMEONE OF A CERTAIN RELIGION. \u00a0I mean what happened to freedom. \u00a0Growing up I had a friend whose father was jewish and her step mom was Catholic and she was free to chose. \u00a0I also made a list of IDEAS.<\/p>\n
I don’t want to be in a prison sell my entire life. I WAS FINE ON SETS. \u00a0HOW DARE PEOPLE STOP ME from my goals. \u00a0THERE IS NOT JOB OR CAREER I WANT unless is allows me to have an acting career when my life is DONE. \u00a0I don’t want salary goals or pay rasises. \u00a0I want IMDB CREDITS and work I can see on tape. \u00a0However if people THINK I am going to become a producer or SCRIPT WRITER. YOu expect me to write words for actors to perform but AMERICA WON’T LET ME FIGHT TO WORK HARD TO BE ONE TOO. I am not allowed to stand with MY FELLOWS. \u00a0HOW DARE YOU!<\/p>\n
PEOPLE ASSUMED WITHOUT ASKING THOUGH IN REALITY WAS IT YOUR DAMN BUSINESS TO MEDDLE IN MY LIFE. \u00a0Was it your right to make me get a real job, to make me do what my father wanted, to make me be a CONSERVATIVE OR GO TO CHURCH WHEN I GAVE UP THE CHURCH a long time ago. \u00a0IT IS MY PARENTS DELUSION that needs serious mental care. \u00a0I also know I am messed up now. \u00a0I don’t deserve the love of a guy I want but I won’t be with a man I don’t want just to have someone there. \u00a0A guy would have to be strong enough and compassionate enough to see my potential and to be patient and communicate with me.<\/p>\n
By the way my hard drive crashed. \u00a0It cost me a year of photos and also my sound projects from last semester. \u00a0It also cost me design projects I was working on and had to put up on line for my zazzle store. \u00a0I thought I lost work I had been doing on a video for STAND UP 2 CANCER but I just found it on my hard drive. \u00a0If you did this because I think I was sent a VIRUS- you destroyed work I was doing to make the world better. \u00a0BUT YOU DID NOT DESTROY THIS SCRIPT. \u00a0 ANYWAYS IT SUCKS. \u00a0But it also reveals my mind set when I wrote it. \u00a0I eventually SAW 50\/50. \u00a0the only part like my story was the doctor’s visit. \u00a0I did not copy the film, I really did get told by my doctor I had CARCINOMA and was like WHAT? \u00a0THen he said CANCER and I flipped out. \u00a0I dreamt of meeting someone who would be my partner in the RIDE. \u00a0Someone who I could respect their artistic work and I could respect theres. \u00a0It did not matter if we were rich. \u00a0I just wanted \u00a0someone who I felt safe with to be sensitive, to feel, to cry, to make beautiful art, to be silly with out being called weird for crazy for it. The fact that people hated on me for NO VALID REASON other than a relgion or maybe because I liked some they thought I had no right to like. \u00a0WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? \u00a0Seriously if I liked a person I would still need them to come to me. \u00a0I won’t go to them again. \u00a0NOt and risk being abused by the UNION, the POLICE, or anyone any more. \u00a0UNFORTUNATELY I was blacklisted and could never find it in me to finish this. \u00a0I joined AFTRA and was actually at an event that HONORED APPLEGATE. \u00a0I wish I had the courage to go talk to her. \u00a0I think she \u00a0might be someone who might have been able to help shape this into a DRAMEDY Gem. \u00a0We both had DUCTAL CARCINOMA.<\/p>\n
MY GOAL- to show the truth of a mastectomy like mine. \u00a0To comment on women in hollywood and poke fun about the way men see us. \u00a0SORRY MEN. \u00a0And to show the protrait of a woman who finds her own inner strength to achieve her goals despite the loss.<\/p>\n