Well today I did yoga for the first time in a week.  My illness makes me rather despondent.  It is hard for me to feel strong enough to go anywhere and I keep thinking I can’t waste money.  I only go to the west side if there is something I think will help my mind or my body or help me financially.  I keep getting invited to the Venice Chamber of Commerce.  I don’t think I like Hollywood anymore. I don’t know what to do though because I feel like I am at WAR with the people claiming to be about peace.  Why?  Because I am white and was born to a father who is Southern and therefore I am his property.  I am guilty of his sins. I am an offspring of evil.  I think that is funny since you can turn that around onto any race on the planet.  Somewhere someone thinks the same thing about a Chinese woman, a black woman, a Native American, or an INDIAN.  I also don’t like living or working downtown.  Seriously if I wanted to live in urban America in a suit in an office I would have stayed on the East coast.  I love the art. I love the Bohemian culture in part of DTLA.  But I can’t stand the idea of being trapped in concrete. I can’t.

And what really upsets me too is the YOGA community is the one I need to be in because of my illness, but even with them I feel the sting of money power politics.  An actor who is a teacher can have an ego and feed it with acting jobs, or maybe it is the “I need to work to get the health benefits” at a time when Obama care is supposed to be helping the nation.  I am labeled as not nice, when I am scared and feel like everything I dreamed about is dead.  There are no dreams of me because I don’t dream about a GOD or HEAVEN or marriage or material things.  I dream of stories and I dream of being in them.  My dreams have always been, the ones I remember, me playing someone who was not me.  I think it was all the literature I read as a child.

I love books I do. But I don’t want to read books to make a living.  Making it be a job takes all the enjoyment out of it.  I trained at one point to know how to do coverage for scripts.  I am tired though. I am tired of people playing god with my life.  I got emails after emails from some young 20 year old script supervisor girl who wanted me to train to be one.  Do you know Hashimoto’s disease causes brain fog. I’d have to be able to eat the right foods periodically- nothing processed- while working on a set.  I can’t do it.  I can’t be a script supervisor. I can memorize lines, but get real. I have a photo memory but I confuse my left and right all the time; let alone having to remember what hand an actor had something in.  I worked hard on set to make sure I did not mess continuity,  Being responsible for other’s actions would be aggravating, stressful, and I would not last.  I know myself what I am capable of and others are just NOT LISTENING. 

I think it is shameful.  Liberals are talking about equality.  The same groups are reporting about rape and violence against women, and yet I have been assaulted, had my toe smashed at a theater, show up to a set to be told I am on a list by Disney after five years of working on every studio lot in town.  I had a plan.  I did my time in part time jobs that were minimum wage.  Wonder why I am not 300.000 in debt yet have three degrees.  My parents can’t tell you who I worked for back on the east coast, they can’t tell you how much I paid in rent or car insurance or even my phone bills because they did not pay them.  I DID.  I mean seriously I filed taxes every year from the time I was 16 until 2008 because I made enough money to pay my basic expenses, i.e. I had to file taxes or get arrested.  I remember talking to a background union guy I knew who is an actor and telling him that my parents paid $3000 for a car, then when that one died, they bought me a used car for $4000.  When I came out here they spent $14.000 on a car and none of them were new.  I paid for my college education through my own HARD WORK.  Oh wait school work and winning a scholarship is privileged and I was actually lazy. I had to maintain an average of 3.4 to keep my scholarship. I worked in a video store, sold clothes, baby sat, was a lab assistant teaching high school students environmental biology, worked for human resources at a college, made phone calls to raise money for my grad school.  worked for a telemarketing test center, made phone calls and spent months doing database work for an association in the electronic industries.  I did market research of new films.  I organized and publicized news broadcast interviews from the NATIONA PRESS BUILDING.  I did legal temp work in offices where I went to work before the sun came up and left after the sun came down with maybe time to see the sun for 30 minutes at lunch.  (My current health issues may be in part a lack of Vitamin D.)  I got paid I think $25 an hour at that job, while the clients were charges three times that probably.  Lawyers!  Crap! That is how I saved up $10.000 though to help me move to California.

I did not do so much work, then work five years on sets while studying digital media to go back to a being a legal temp.  YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN MY ACT UP?  I don’t have a reason.  I worked so HARD TO COME TO CALIFORNIA to escape offices and greed. I want what I earned BACK.  MY future with actors.  My future working to be an ACTOR because I have no plans to marry a man my father has sold my body too.  Do you know how many actors don’t do theater?  there are successfu actors who never did theater.  I did my time in Theater and I did not spend my own money from 2005 to 2008 training in digital media to go back to a secretary job or work in marketing when I have no love for it. NONE.  they pay check is not enough.  I have no love for life if all I am doing is taking a job, even if it is FUN to some that does not really give me the sense THIS NIGHTMARE IS OVER.  I will not live my life the way my father wants. TO ME CLEANING UP MY ACT is organizing and filing my stuff on my terms. I already do that. I have an office practically in my room.  STOP PLAYING GOD people- FATHER I KNOW YOU ARE STALKING ME AND READING THIS- YOU ARE NOT GOD.  SERIOUSLY I find the man in my life is someone my FATHER WANTS ME WITH I will make that man regret the day he asked me out.  I know no one will DATE ME. I don’t care..  I don’t care about having fans who like WHO I AM.  I cared about doing good acting work and being good at it and getting known at being good at it. I cared about working on sets and being a film maker only to the extent people accepted I am here to be an actor first.  I used to tell a guy I knew in law school Cabot Davis- I am an actor first, and a lawyer second.  That was law school.  that was over ten years ago. I was calling myself an actor in the 90s and I won’t stop.  I am no longer an attorney to, but I still have a juris doctorate. I can’t represent you, but I will use it to my own benefit and how I please.  I AM NOT WORKING FOR YOU as a lawyer- get over it. I HATE IT…..you have robbed me of my youth and my dreams and my HOPE for what- power. greed.  Who wins if I die?

ASK MY PSYCHOTIC PARENTs how much I paid for rent in DC when I lived there.  Ask them how much my utility bills were and how much I paid for in food, books, clothes, or for that matter how much I paid to get my hair cut and WHERE THE MONEY CAME FOR ALL THE THINGS THEY DON”T KNOW I HAD TO BUY AND SPEND MONEY ON BECAUSE THEY HAD ZERO ACCESS TO MY ACCOUNTS>  they can’t tell you how many credit cards I had or even how much I paid in taxes because after college I DID MY OWN. 

TRUTH my parents know nothing about ENTERTAIMENT and as such should not be guiding or advising me on my future. I am tired of people acting like I don’t have experience when it comes to acting or the INDUSTRY. I am always learning.  But I know more than others want to admit because they can’t get that intelligent people don’t all look perfect.  I know nothing about being a government agent other than my observations of my father.  I frankly don’t want to be around misogynists like him so I think I will pass.  Sorry.

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