I love TOY day. I have decided I am calling Christmas that from now on. I love the idea of it. But the reality of it, is not so full of love. It is the loneliest time of the year when you have been reduced to no close friends. Well I have friends but I am very private and live in a death trap of an apartment. We judge in America based on things and status and not on heart or character.

I think about how bad things have been this past year and that sticks out. We live in a culture of hypocrisy. We call ourselves the land of the free, but it is only free if you agree to be like everyone else. We talk about equality but some of the people shouting it the loudest only want it for their close friends and loved ones. We talk about freedom but then we exclude so many from being able to have control of their own lives. Don’t get me started on the conservative culture of women are owned and children are property. We have so much abuse it is not a surprise one in five people suffer some form of mental illness.

We also label the victims of abuse mentally ill and blame them for their being victimized instead of realizing that the people who abuse and bully and cause mental illness with their actions are the real problem in society. Do you know that being suicidal does not cause one to be bullied, but that being bullied can cause a person to be suicidal? Why are we not doing something about bullies? But then can we really even recognize bullying versus just being different from one another.

I had a guy send me a nasty joke about the soon to be former President. This man was an actor and a life coach. After he sent me this joke I told him to take me off his list. It infuriated me. I was reminded of being sexually assaulted. I was reminded of how women are just objects to men. I was reminded that people actually admire Trump for being a womanizer.

Well later when Trump was being Impeached I sent out a mail chimp to my subscribers. Apparently the life coach received it. He responded to have me remove him from the list, when all he had to do was open the email and unsubscribe and he called me a bully. I was a bully for saying I wanted Trump impeached? What happened to our political free speech? Hate speech is now expressing a contrary political opinion?

I have recently been ostracized from my Twitter Account. A woman started following me. I now wonder if she was following me because I sent out a mail chimp about Juliet Landau. People can be like that. Well who she was kind of did make me upset. She was into making documentaries, but the kind that were conspiracy types. I like my fiction fiction and my documentaries factual. I also hate reality TV and something about her posts, just immediately told me go away. Plus I was labelled gay when I was not, and now I am single for life. I won’t have kids. I was labelled gay after losing my breasts to cancer. I am not anti gay. I am just sick of feeling like I can not decide who is in my life. And so I responded “I am not gay and I am not looking for female friends.” Maybe she was offended I thought she might be gay, but if she was that would have been OK. Regardless of being gay or straight I did not want to make new friends. I had nothing to give her and I felt unsafe with her following me.

As I looked into who she was I realized I was right. She was linked to a teacher I had at Santa Monica College who was not a good teacher. This teacher was kind of mean. She was a fan of Grey’s Anatomy and also Ben Affleck. I was not looking for a producer to work with. I did not need anyone to help me with anything but a lawyer to help me get justice. I am sick. I am terrified. So she retweeted what I wrote. Put me on display to all of her followers.

The first person to make fun of me was a guy who is from MARYLAND. I do not know him. I left Maryland because I never felt like I belonged there. I wanted to see art films and theater and everyone there went to sports games and drank in bars. I was one of the smartest high school graduates in the state but was treated like a freak. You know that last kid picked in gym so of course no body back there even knew I had talent. I was on the track team in high school but they were not the popular athletes. My high school loved its basketball, foot ball, and lacrosse.

I am reminded of the fact that Asaff Cohen tried to get me to talk to a friend of his from Maryland. I was not interested. Somehow I knew he was not an intellectual into Shakespeare or the stellar student in school. He was probably talented but I knew we were not going to be friends. I did not make friends easily and back in Maryland people knew me as nice but I do not think any of them knew who I was inside. If they did they would have found out I had dreams and those dreams were my life line to staying sane. I had this imagination that could think of movies and stories and characters and poetry. Its been damaged. Years of abuse over and over being told I can not be useful to actors. I need to get a job. It has made me not care about dreaming and not care about applying myself. It has made me bitter and angry and as if there is no purpose for me to get up and live. I maybe am crazy because all I now think is my father telling me no one likes me and no one cares and yet he will then turn around and say he loves me. It is like having the female character from Misery as a father.

I do not have the drive to deal with numbers. I do not like being on the phone. I am not an extrovert. I am very use to being alone. I am at heart a writer, But I hate being labelled a writer. Why? Because to many people think writers sit at desks all day and write. Writers do not live. For me if I can not live and be me, I can not write.

My acting career was killed and I feel dead inside. I can not hear the voice any more that drove me to write poetry. I can not get in to the zone to finish my scripts. I do not care about taking photos. I get no joy out of pointing and shooting a camera. I feel no hope for a future where I feel elated about life. Someone wanted me to be dead. They threatened me and told people on twitter I was all these horrible things, and they said they are a woman. I know they are in the industry. They knew too many details of events as they happened, so I can not trust anyone who randomly follows me online unless I vet them. I am so sick of people not getting I have the right to SAY NO. I have blocked more people from my twitter than have blocked me.

My mother I think thought if I hated acting I would love her. Taking acting away has made me hate her. I see her now as someone who is beneath me. She wanted me to feel inferior and I now feel like she is not worth my energy. She has made me small and wanted me to be broken and pathetic so we could commiserate. I wanted to shine. I wanted to feel alive inside again. I wanted to create characters and finish my scripts. I do not want to write novels or books. I had too many ideas. I have a list of about ten story ideas for shows and films. Some of them I have started. Some of them are just a treatment or a log line. But I had things to do. I had plans to make. It makes me so angry people hate me for being innovative but do not hate a woman half my age doing the same thing.

My parents after I had an accident wanted me to sit down and plan my future. I was 30 plus years old. I had a plan and it did not involve me living my life the way they wanted. I wanted to blog about the arts. I wanted to edit films and shorts, but most of all I wanted the occasional acting gig to get my groove on. Instead the acting was taken away and now I just want to not be seen. I want to disappear. And I want to be a failure. I do not want to be a successful business person or have a successful job. Because if I can not be an actor I will feel like I failed. Acting gave me courage and self esteem, not having a job. As to having a life, I do not have a life worth living if I lose everything I worked for and earned as an actor and artist. I do not make friends with people who can get me work. That is not friendship to me, that is using people.

My father wants me to be NOTHING. He says “Who do you think you are?” I am your daughter and you should want me to be happy. You should want me to feel special. You should want me to be seen as important and valuable. You wanted me broken and then expect me to be a success financially? Or is it truly that you wanted me to FAIL so I would have to be dependent on you and never on my own. If I were truly free, I would leave America now and NEVER talk to my parents again.