I want to believe we have evolved as a race and people.  I am not a little girl and I hate immature men.  I don’t like anyone at this point.  I have my little fantasy men, but those are mine and they are not men in my current life.  the men in my current life are convinced that if they bully acting out of me I will give it up and fall into their arms.  I will not accept someone who will get jealous over my actions.
I will not accept someone who has a fit if I have a conversation with another guy and I don’t need men reading into my conversations with them.  It does not matter if you are taken or not right now, I want to work and take care of me.  To me that means working on my acting and my art, but I am not here to be an artist.  I am really tired of this insanity here in California where people read other people and think they know why they were made.  God makes each of us to be individual entities.  I am also tired of those who think they are doing the best for me.  Peole i have not seen for years.  I am sorry but I’d rather live in poverty and act, than work in a law office ever.  I was happy on sets.  I had never been happier and I felt cool.  For the first time in my life….

Last night I went out to sing, but instead of Karaoke I found the Blues.  I got there late.  Things are not over.  I am tired of others assuming that they can take things from me on lies.  I am an adult.  I am not just a background artist, or I would not have survived on sets for as long as I did.  I am a woman who can play a nurse, doctor, lawyer, cop, reporter, writer, lover, mother, wench, prostitute, business woman, receptionist, secretary, wife, kid, hippie, and others.  I am a woman yearning for a private life that is mone and stays mine.  I am a woman striving to love on my terms and to have my professional life back.  Sorry.  I really am tired of things.  In the last 7 years there have only been about a dozen men I have liked, and to me men are men.  We have made celebrities into Gods when they are people.  And guess what, we all make mistakes.  Actors are legitimate people who have to fight to get to where they are.  The good ones fight fair and let their craft show they talent.  The bad ones fight dirty and lie and manipulate and play sick games that end up hurting good people.  Fame is fleeting and from what I have seen, those who seek it relentlessly lose something of their soul.  I seek the work I love and I am miserable without it.  I have nothing to offer you… my body and soul are taken by a need to make art and create.

Am I crazy?  No.  I know what I want and I know what I love and it may be different from yours.  The reality is you can’t make me be like you and you can’t make me want what you want.  this country needs to reclaim its sense of freedom.  What does this have to do with acting?  Everything.  The human condition has everything to do with acting.  this sense that I can’t be an actress because others say I can’t makes me want to fight for it even more.  It does not make me a bitch because I know someone else lied and took from me my life and goals and my hope for my future.  I’d like the people involved to tell me why they think I deserved to be treated the way that I was.  Cause I can’t make it because of some odd formula.  Audition me.  Don’t put me on some list and make me out to be some criminal.  I did nothing wrong.  I fought to walk for over 7 years.  I did not move to California until July of 2002 and when I first got here I was still wearing a brace and taping my knee.  the weather out in California helped ease my symptoms.  I am a fighter though.  I worked on sets while going through a masectomy with a smile on my face.  Stop punishing me for something I did not do.  And I told the court I was going to go to California.  I talked to the guy I sued and my attorney back east.  I am sick that because I don’t want to be a lawyer or work in the legal system at all, I am being punished.  I am not efficient in that area.  I think if we truly allow people to be who they are intended, the economy would flourish.  We need to find our sense of freedom again. I’d put up with pain to run for a part.  Sue me for my passion.  Go ahead.  But you are not going to make me be a lawyer for you ever.  the fact that you would want me to suffer tells me something about you.  Would you not rather stop and smell a rose today?  Seriously.  Life is short.  cancer taught me that.
This morning I am angry.  I know I did not do anything wrong and therefore I will not go work in an office so those who hurt me can say they were right.  I can not sit still anyways.  I liked my life on sets.  I can’t be stuck behind a desk.  It is why I do my work at home too.  My knees need movement and so does my body.  I’d do Yoga on sets.  I loved my life.  Now I hate to tell you all this, because no  one wants to be wrong.  But if you thought I was a bitch, or thought I deserved pain, you are wrong.