I have seen all kinds of immoral things in my time in LALA land.  I mean all the stories you hear about in Hollywood, well some of them are true.  I personally would never do the director’s couch.  Nor do I want to sleep with anyone to get ahead.  I know I am not going to make it though.  I am being punished for something I did, and no one will tell me what.  In the meantime, that same network is being criticized for putting two women kissing each other on TV.  I actually don’t mind.  But I do think there is some kind of irony for ABC, owned by Disney, to do what they did this week on a show, and yet they cost me everything, or at least so I have been told.  What hypocrits? 
Seriously.  I really yearn for black and white.

I am a lawyer.  But guess what.  I am too much of a pussy cat to even really fight for myself.  In fact, I made a promise when I beat cancer I would not use my legal knowledge for anything, unless it was to some how make art.  I would rather play a lawyer on TV, cause I would never be one in real life.  I don’t have it in me.  I just don’t.  I want to make art and work hard at it.  I want to work in the arts.  I am not a slacker.  I actually earned a full scholarship to college. I worked too, so I could be as free form my parents as possible.  I had a plan to build sites and to do acting, and someone assuming I can’t do something without an audition, when I was sick, really makes me ill.  Since when is it OK to shut someone out of entire industry.  That is wrong.

I am tired of anyone in Hollywood insinuating I was bad at my job, or did not do a good job, or was a problem.  I get tripped on a set, and after that lose work, and before the accident I lose a show I loved and just found out it was because of my issues with the background… issues which let to me being told I am not allowed on sets at all.  I will not work unless on a set.  I loved my job so much I chose to stay alive for it.  I can act and I am good and this is wrong…. very wrong…. and I don’t have a reason to stay alive and if that is the reason… most of the people who knew me on sets knew that the idea of working in an office made me wish I had died of the cancer.  taking away my sole reason for wanting to strive to work and my source of income did not help me get the care I needed when I was sick, but only added to my stress.  I don’t live in style either.

I live frugally because I want to not sacrifice my goal of acting.  PERIOD.  And I am a woman of my word.  I will never work as a lawyer under any circumstance and they all knew it.  I was never dishonest about it, and I always wanted to act.  Most people who knew me knew I loved it.  I never hid that it would always be something I would want to do or fight to do.  I just did not know that this town would respect someone for playing dirty.  I actually had someone tell me today that I needed to be a bitch.  Yet if I had to do it all over again, I would not want to be placed in a position where I cost anyone their dream, so I doubt I would have ratted the people who hurt me out by name.  I think my biggest mistake in all of this is that I don’t like to lie and I assume others would never treat me with som much disrespect as to not believe me when I am screaming the truth.
I fought to walk from a car accident and I remember even telling my doctor that I would probably have to give up acting, and he told me why?  What did my knee pain have to do with acting?  He was right, but at the same time I know that I am physically limited.  I’d take a running gig, but only if I was being paid a professional athelete’s salary, cause I’d be looking at knee replacement surgery at some point, or so I’ve been told.  Sara Bearbhardt acted after losing her right leg, but she was a rare thing, and her equal these days would be meryl streepe.