I have been thinking of the word “professional” for the last 4 years.  I worked hard in school to get good grades.  Went to college on a full scholarship and to pay my school back I volunteered on campus, worked for the film department for free, and well just did my best at all I tried. I had technically 3 advisers, but for the most part I planned my education, and they let me.  They TRUSTED me to know what I wanted and who I was and what I wanted to do.  I have to admit now that the business and economics part of my past was not ME.  That was my family. I always wanted to do well.  Normally the kind of dedication I had would get praise and positive results, but the last four years I have experienced the opposite.  I don’t understand anymore what “professional” means.  I mean I thought it meant, work hard, tell the truth, be honest, stand up for your work and integrity, and well you could still be human.  Lately I feel that being professional in America means being perfect like a computer at all cost, never making a mistake, doing anything to get ahead, beating out the competition and it feels like we have slipped somehow into the jungle of industry inferred in O’neill’s “Hairy Ape.”  Despite what I have seen, I still want the opportunity to work hard, find work I care about, and not this sense that if I hated working in an industry I loved, Id have a better chance of working in it- cold detached inhumane.

I feel as though I have to hate my job, not like the people I work for and that is the definition of success.  I feel as though I need to just care about the amount of numbers on my pay check and not that I truly LIKE what I am doing and enjoy it.  I feel as though my education does not matter.  I can only use the degree that society deems as being of the most financial worth.  I feel as if I am not allowed to be the real me but must pretend to make friends that will get me jobs that will make the most money as opposed to making friends with people I really have things in common with to lead to work I really fit with.  I feel as though my life is not my own.  that I must do what others expect or want me to do and the end goal is always the same- make the most money.  It does not matter if I’d rather make sacrifices that lead to making less money but more true happiness.  ANd love is not a factor that is a part of the process.  I can’t expect to have love at all in fact.  I am never going to be allowed to find real love, find the person I will have the most fun with.  It all boils down to how much money they have in their bank account.  When do I get to find REAL happiness.  A man whose clothes I want to rip to shreds.  A man who is emotionally available to me, and not someone who beats me down to own me.  When do I get to find true HOPE for a better day, a day when I feel I can stand up and say, THIS IS THE REAL ME and not the person society wants me to be.  When do you see beyond the labels you give me because of educational degrees that really mean nothing anymore to me.

Apparently it is wrong to strive for a job you will really love.  It is wrong not to use a degree you hate.  It is criminal not to fight to achieve the most you can with the educational degrees you have, even if it makes you feel so sad you can’t stand to be.  And famous people are above the law, they can take away everything you worked and fought to achieve.  They can get away with stripping you of your rights, cut you off from everyone you knew, and commit a fraud against you.   It is wrong to want to be good at what you love and others mistake wanting to work hard with wanting fame or fortune.  To me I am an actress.  that means I have to fight to be known for what I love and have to balance that with not being a stuck up.  It is not about being a “rock star.”  First off, music is not apart of my process unless the character I play is a musician and can sing.  To me being a professional means loving what you do, and not settling and convincing yourself you love what you hate.  IT is making choices to be the best at what you want to be the best at, without making bad choices and doing bad things.  To take a line from 24.  “I Don’t want friends.  I want people who do the right thing.” To me part of being a professional is doing the right thing, without sacrificing your integrity or giving up your dreams. 

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