I don’t want to be property.  The whole love and OBEY thing is outdated.  I grew up watching the men in my family treat the women like maids.  Holidays were men watching American Football (a sport I hate) and the women in the kitchen cooking and cleaning.  I realized at a young age I did not want that future for myself.  I think that is one of the reasons I never dated or pursued dating before college.  I did not want to get trapped in that life.  I had crushes but I think I knew that I never really wanted anything to happen with them.  I wanted to be safe to grow and be on my own.   I also am not interested in men I can control or own either.  I am not into bondage or just edgy stuff.  I am more of the poetic gentle type, though I want to learn martial arts so I can stand on my own and protect my own.

I’ve had moments in my life when I thought I might have met men more enlightened where I could be a woman and cook and not feel trapped, but the irony is that I discovered that the men were using their sex to get what they wanted from me.  Whether it was a guy who wanted a position or post I had at school or someone who wanted to use me because of my education to get ahead, even though it was mentally painful for me to use that education.  I want to stand on my own feet and buy my own clothes and not have to rely on a man, so that when I do find LOVE It will not be out of the desperation to survive.  Actually I don’t think that love can truly exist if a woman is desperate to provide for herself.

I also have woken up.  As a woman I am not allowed to do what I want?  Don’t argue with me.  Think about it.  How often do women get told there are less women doing this and less women doing that.   I have to get married and have kids for my parents. NOT!  I am not allowed to be the person I want to be.  I was happy working background on sets.  I am terrified all the time now.  I am not FICORE.  I will not apply for welfare.  I should be able to get work I want to do and enjoy with actors and artists.  I AM NOT MY FATHER.  I did not work for the government for years and I DON”T WANT MEN IN MY LIFE OR PEOPLE IN MY LIFE LIKE HIM.  People keep telling me there is no BIG BROTHER, than why did I spend a semester with a teacher bullying me to quit- telling me my father should not be paying for my acting and that women statistically don’t direct and that there is no money in entertainment.  THE US HAS BEEN THE LARGEST PRODUCER OF ENTERAINMENT since the 1920.  WHY I WON”T go out with men I meet in Church- I DON”T WANT MEN LIKE MY FATHER IN MY LIFE.  I want my rights back and I need to work on sets.  MY FATHER IS ALSO the type of man who goes to church on Sunday and he seems to use it as an excuse to lie.  I cry and get up set and he passes me off to my mom.  He never hugged me as a kid.  He never loved  me like a normal father would.  I never felt his affection and now that I am an adult he wants to say I need meds before I hurt someone while I am terrified of him.  I will NEVER find LOVE.  I will never find my partner in this life, because my partner is on a set somewhere.  ANd I don’t date who I work with.  I will also not date men who produce or make films who are not also actors.  I AM NOT INTERESTED in being manipulated into men my daddy would want me to be with.  ANY MAN WHO GETS INVOLVED WITH me would have to agree that my father is not in my life or his money, period.

I WANT A CAREER AS A WORKING ACTOR- that is my goal and if I can’t have it then we AMERICA LIE TO THE WORLD and we WOMEN ARE PROPERTY NOT ALLOWED TO PURSUE OUR GOALS WITHOUT BEING MADE SLAVES TO MEN.  I need my own career, my own identity and I don’t want a man who can’t deal if I cry or get upset and I won’t have children with a man who would treat my kids with such disrespect for their emotional needs as my father did growing up as a kid.  There something wrong with the way we are raising our sons if women can be expected to be raped in the military. There is something wrong with the way we are telling the world to treat women if women can’t have their own careers even in entertainment.  I think it is ironic.  I HAVE NEVER USED MY SEX to get what I want, but again MEN have tried to use me to get what they wanted and needed. 

I had a GREAT reputation on sets to be hard working and generous.  It saddens me that I was wrongfully pulled off of sets because our society lies to itself and claims that we are free but then wants to put every person in a BOX, especially women.  I have wanted to ACT my entire life.  I grew up being told I had to be a lawyer so I DID THE RIGHT THING and made sure that would never come to pass.  I am tired of my father telling me that “THEY won’t let me be on sets” and then telling me another day he has no idea what I am talking about.  I am tired of my father’s sick lies and men like him.  We either have a legal system that is valid and I should be able to sue and should have NEVER been TAKEN OFF SETS.  I have told my father that now I can’t get a job I would care about at all.  I can’t.  I had contacts and people who liked me and I will live for the rest of my life in the past.  My parents have told me that I needed to stop living in the past while I kept working on sets.  I was not.  The past was my father pushing me to be like him- that is over and I WILL NOT DATE ANYONE my father likes or approves of because I don’t want my father IN MY LIFE OR MEN LIKE HIM Period.

I believe in preserving nature, but in also preserving the humanity of being human.  That is why I ACT.  I need to know it is OK for me to have feelings and to express them and it was horrible growing up and not being able to be upset or cry without being made fun of.  NO MORE.  I will continue to fight to act.  MY FATHER will NEVER be able to deal with me because I am a WOMAN.  I personally am sick of men like him not being able to handle emotions and not being able to deal and thinking I as a woman need pills to be made to SHUT UP and be quiet and take orders like a soldier instead of a loving caring nurturing strong courageous WOMAN. ACTING is more than THERAPY to me- it is my reason for being and what I LOVE TO DO.  I’d spend every penny I had extra on taking classes to act, not on sports teams or gambling or computer games or what others do for amusement.  I AM MYSELF and I will not be who my parents or our society wants to make me be. 

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