On 6/14/03 I wrote:

I need to write in the creative fields.  I have to.  It means too much to me.  I need help….  Will wants me out.  “Cake.”  Oh how I hate this.  I want to work.  I need hope, faith, and love.  Peace to my dreams.  I need stability.  God bless you Will.

6/16/03

I need to boarding pass or security documents printed out on 7/2 on Southwest.

Poem:

It hurts to breath

My body withers slowly

It dwindles to a twig

I climb into a trash can

and sink beneath its lid

I feed upon the garbage

My family left behind

The remnants of a birthday cake

A party – never mine

I see within the shadow

a picture of a face

A friend I trusted

who filled me with hate

I do not like this feeling

I am left disgraced.

 

7/7/03

Oleana sang of love

She bit her lost and lying tong

She did not love; she know only lust

Her body sang for him to touch.

*******

I am illusive and in tune

My senses real

My life is true

7/1/03

I took a grant writing class.  I wanted to see if that would fit for a job choice. I will not bore you with the notes.  It did not fit.  I was not driven to make money, even for a good cause.  Years ago I did research for grants for a theater, and looking back I realized I needed to love the cause.  I loved the people at Round House theater, and I think any type of other organization would have not received my best efforts.  It is just who I am.  Kind of like trying to make a person like a color or food they did not and sometimes it does  not matter if survival depends on it.  I can’t eat gluten.  I can’t.  Just like I can’t go work for lawyers.  I hated law school.  I would go out on the weekends to see bands play or volunteer with WALA.  I flew solo while my classmates did what ever made them happy.

I actually made a list of some of my fellow students, but well I think I will keep that private.  I did not become friends with any of them really. 

7/3/03

This is what it feels like

To be stuck in school

Baseball cards and lollipops

With no fun, structure or rules

Fear can smell my horror

Gossip stings my face

Men behave with immaturity

When a girl they know

Takes over the place

****

I don’t understand any of this.  the games, the lies, the pain.  Perhaps this is what it is like to live in a foreign place.

7/8/03 NOT INCLUDING THIS ENTRY and THIS IS WHY:

I started a list of all the men I have kissed, including acting classes.  I am as of this year- 2013 up to 30.  Not trying to break any records.  I am not even sure why I started the list.  Perhaps to recognize my experience and growth.  Plus I find all of this so childish.  My UNION Is now threatening to have me ARRESTED if I walk onto the SAG property and yet I WAS MOLESTED by Jeremy Gilbreathe.  I was asked out by actors, not the other way around.  I was stalked by the brother of a guy I dumped and also kept having crappy old men from Deadwood talk about a young guy who dated me and also was once not brought back for tickling me on a set when I wanted him to stop.  I told him later to NOT do that again.  If on set- be there to work- not to pick up women.  Actually the guys from Deadwood kept acting like I dated a 13 year old, and not a 20 year old.  that was back when I first moved to CALI.  I also dated a guy who was an air force officer 13 years older than me when I was very young.  What crappy hypocrites.  Or maybe it was just that they were not happy I would not DATE THEM.  I mean I go to events to see the project and learn from the Q&As and SOME GUY I would not give the time of day to probably is complaining about me. 

8/21/03

This has been a crazy week.  I wanted to give up acting.  I have only been able to do acting jobs.  What a crazy time.  This has been wild.  I owe three days of art pages.  I have been so bad. (I kept a separate journal at this point where I was trying to do the “Artist’s Way,” so I eventually stopped writing in this journal until 2006).

Monday I spent working on my computer.  Tuesday I spent on the set of VEGAS with Jason Caan.  What a crazy time.  Live has been wild.  I almost ran into the lead Josh and I did run into Jason Caan.  It has been great.  I have to stay away from sugar.  I need to get m skin cleared up. 

To make up my pages I think I need to write at least 6 pages today.  On Friday I will right 6 as well.

Tuesday I wore my pink shear dress, with gold high heel shoes.  My knee was killing me by the end of the night.  It blew up to twice its size.  This is such a weird day.  (Today on the set of Joan of Arcadia).

I am making new friends.  Pamela is the AD on Joan.  this is such a weird day.  I am having issues as usual- am I crazy.  I need sanity and peace.  (I was having digestive problems- I found out in 2009 I am gluten intolerant.)

Back to Tuesday – I wore my dress.  I made new friends (acquantances).  Prince the casino employer.  Jon the dealer.  Vanessa.  Tiffany (friend of Jon), Cindy (from the Practice set), Sumara (sp?) and Franchesca (sp?).  It was her birthday.

This is perhaps the last day I will be on set.  I have been cut.  I am stupid.  I know nothing.  I am dumb.  I need help.  I am so tired.  I will never be OK. 

I need control of my life.  This is so sad.  I know I will never make it as an actress.  this is the end of my acting career.

Life is too SHORT and I will never get what I want from it.  The purpose of this journal is to brain dump.  What a lot of crap is in my head.  I need to PURGE the NEGATIVITY and PURIFY my soul.

This is the last da I will ever work in this town.  This is the end of my career as an actor.  NO more of this.  No more of this insanity.

I have been fired.  This is the end of it all.   I have been let go.

8/22/03

Friday is spent on Joan of Arcadia.

8/23/03 Had lunch with Jon –he knows Scott Grocki (knew back east).  Went to Tony Bennet Concert (by myself).

8/24/03

Sunday.  No casting jobs.  No luck.  No life.  This is my time to DUMP again.  I owe so many pages.  I need to restart this project today.  Here I go.  I had a long talk with Terry yesterday.  I decided to refocus on getting work wherever..

I can’t believe I did this.  I am stupid.  I need to start believing in me.  I need to remove the stress no more.

My finances suck, but I need a new computer.  I am on hold w/ Brandon %&% from Dell.  I hope this works out.  I need to deodorize my room.  (I used to vacuum and put down carpet powder).  I hope this all works out.    I so need to work.

I am going to dye my hair.  Oh please help me to live here.  I need peace in my life and love.  These are my private thoughts- Keep out.

Oh what a day.  I hope I get this done today.  I so need to work on the grant.  That is my first priority.  (never did the grant.  Not even sure what I was writing about actually, though I kind of always had the idea of creating some kind of 501 ( c ) (3).  I know people back east thought I would start some kind of organization there- but I did not want to work in agencies and government or suits all the time.  Kind of hated the culture and politics and well judgment of people in Washington.  Here I feel I can wear what I want and well people may make fun, but often it is just OK your choice.)

8/26/03

Taking my proposal class.  I hate being judged.  This guy in the class said something about me not knowing anything. I am so tired of fighting. 

I am enjoying being on sets.  I love it.  I get to do Gilmore Girls tomorrow.  Yeah!!

This is interesting – commitment and 10 leaders.  10 schools.  How spending out money.  What does this do.

Work my ass off on the proposal.

Cash plus intake plus total

Budget- What have and what need.

Call John about proposal.  Need name.  Need credibility.  No supervision needed.

Need bullet points.  Break down amount into what is this providing. 

11/2003 Sunday

This one night stand.

You don’t F&^% a friend.

I keep starting things and not finishing them.  I need to not flake on people – ever.  I need to focus.

 

This is my endeavor

Love me forever

Look into my book

Say you’ll never be hooked

I’m not your influenza

I’m your sentimental treasure.

You can study all you want.

But I won’t be ever taught

You’ll fail my tests with pleasure

We have each others cure

For this out greatest measure

Love me or don’t

It’s your choice

But remember my soul is mine

Never yours to hold

(THAT SUCKS- I actually wrote that)

*******

I was told I was put on stand by on Friday for Deadwood.  What a load of BS.  (Yeah I wrote that.  I could have had a higher based gig and had to say NO.  Deadwood only fitted a certain number of girls I was told so if they called for me Central told me they were a priority.)

This is my sorrow and my joy.  This is my life perhaps no more.

My love is a child.  I wish I could be wise.  This is never-more.

I wonder if my mind is never going to be mine.

This is the end of my story.

this world has no freedom of choice. 

6/1/04

Today is the first day back to journaling.  I need to escape my own demons.  Jerry called me today.  All will be OK.

6/8/04

The beginning of my morning papers.  I hate my life.  (this is my birthday and I have never liked it.  It is in the summer so as a kid it was often forgotten as it was at the beginning of summer and school was already out and my parents well lets just say giving me a party was not on the agenda.)

6/9/04

Booked as a laugher in the AM.  Punk rock 4 pm.  Justin 2 pm.  Quintuplets.

I need to do my morning papers staring in the AM.  It is imperative that I being to write. 

I need to work this out and BY MYSELF.  I need to affirm my existence.  Perhaps that is the key to my future.  good night and peace.

6/10/04

Write an affirmation 10 times and see the course my censor takes.  Break my life into 5 year increments and list by name my major influences. Work with affirmations and blurts and turn blurts into affirmations.

Go to the 99 cent store!

Message from John Kaminsky (Holloday)

AC Liles (sp?)- Central Casting 315-5424 (104)

I am a brilliant actress.  I am a brilliant actress. I am a brilliant actress.  I am a brilliant actress.  I am a brilliant actress.  I am a brilliant actress.  I am a brilliant actress.  I am a brilliant actress.  I am a brilliant actress.  (Oops I only wrote it 9 times so here is #10- I am a brilliant actress.)

Phone number for one Jenn written here.  this is how I lost people’s numbers.  Forgetting where I wrote them. 

Stage 21 – recall 7:45 am.  Quintuplets.

6/11/04

Called Kelly

June 21st 10am to 11 am?

Plaintiff

Bookies (2002)

Nick Stahls:

“I wonder all the time is their any significance to the people we meet in our lives.  Does our life follow fate or chance?”

2005 Dec 31

USA is still a colony secret agreement.  % work to foreigners. Country secretly shared.  (I THINKS THIS WAS A SCRIPT IDEA or just a Sci-fi observation on my part.)  Don’t steal it without PAYING me for it.

“MY Name is SAM” – on a sticker that reads “North Eastern sales Associate.”  I think this may have been the day I worked on a convention for “The Office.”  I made up a name for myself.

(ANOTHER POEM- this one reminds me of the Bard.)

Sometimes I think I am losing my mind.

I seek something I can not find

A shadow of a boy I kissed

    crosses my face

I see the lips

I once did taste

It’s not his lips

I long to feel

But the warmth of his hand

A smile on his face

A knowing glance

Perhaps a shared embrace

All this I wish to be

But most of  all his eyes are what

I long to see.

(My poetry is ART- and may not be about anyone- just a reflection of feelings.  Sometimes it is as if someone else is writing for me.  the words come to me and I just write.  It is painful when I come up with something brilliant and yet I can not put pen to paper and then the words are lost and so far I have never when that has happened have the same words come back to me again.)

I stopped journaling here in this book, though I think I started blogging and well I had stuff stolen from set including some books so I stopped taking my journal with me.  I don’t write here again until 2006.  I also have separate journals where I started writing poems and story character thoughts. 

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