I have not written a poem in months. I could not. It was as if my muse died. I did not feel anything flowing creatively in that direction. I realized tonight that we do see in the world things externally. I am not a pretty girl. I knew that all ready. If I were the pretty people of Hollywood would not make fun of me. they would not put me down or treat me as a threat. I got an invitation to go to an art show in Venice. I did not know they had walks there so I went. I met some people but it was weird. A tall man who someone said was a reality TV star took off running down the walk when I walked in. I wonder if I almost met someone who I am glad now I will NEVER meet because I am not going to VENICE again. I also got invited to a lighting ceremony with Robert Downey Jr there and a tour, so I went. but it was strange. the woman running the tour was from I think my home state. I felt lead and manipulated in the end. I also know I could never do that job- give tours. I like people, but at the same time I get drained. I need to re- energize by myself. Again why i loved being on sets- there were people but the people were not dependent on me or clinging to my every word. The only thing I needed to please was the camera.

If I were a model, I would not be played with as a toy or I would still be on sets. So why would I want to date anyone if I will end up with children like me who will also be scored and berated and when I go to defend myself against someone I see as not being nice or being deceitful, or well- why attack me if there is no motive but either weird jealousy or I don’t know. I love acting. I always will. I was happy on sets.  I perceive that the poems i wanted to reproduce in a book will disappear forever. I scanned them into my computer and all it will take is me to reformat the drive for them to all be gone. The world may not be ready for peace or love or even HOPE. When women attack women for fear of losing what they have and then they attack a woman who has nothing to give lose or any power to take. I was not interested in MABLY in that way- I could not be, and to be attacked with insane pictures and then when I say I would date someone who looked like Mably but VEGAN I get blocked and attacked again- seriously.  What part of LIKE MABLY but not him don’t you get.  I mean seriously- I have more debt than money- no hope of ever being or doing what I want because I was born to the wrong father in the wrong time in history and in the wrong place. I felt since the day I was born I did not belong here, as though I was meant to be someone else’s daughter, someone kinder and more loving and fun, in another time when women could be actors and not be shunned.

I AM TIRED PEOPLE- do you now have what you want. The games you play to what- protect imaginary things you think I want to possess or take or hurt. The games Hubbard and Hollywood teach people to play – the hideous things that have been happening to me in the past 4 years have driven me quite mad. I just got stalked in my library by a guy I knew from sets. He has never been there before- so WHY TODAY of all days. And he wanted me to join a group against the UNION. they won’t help me. There are too many selfish people today. no one is going to help me sue the UNION or ABC and then people expect me to go be a lawyer- help others after all the time i spent working to be able to spend the rest of my life on sets. I could have cared less on one level if I ever had sex again or dated anyone- as long as I could get acting gigs and work in the industry I loved. And it is not that I don’t like it. I do. But I don’t need a man in my life who makes me feel ugly, old, used or well I want a strong man I could have had a family with and one not clingy who would let me travel and see the world and make movies and be free. I really hate most American men and their need to have a wifey- makes me sick to be a woman. And if the man is told enough to be my FATHER- or looks like him- PLEASE he has probably made his money and can hire a MAID- not try to bed me- YUK. So here- my darkest heart revealed:

I see the evil that men do

it is a seed Planted in the soul of life

and fertilized by jealousy.

I perceive the truth.

I am neither loved, or wanted.

But played.

My innocent need to just be accepted

Is seen with disdain and hate.

I am woman to be used and abused

Made to be seen as a failure

And spit on by fate I am attacked repeatedly

Twitter and email berated

Defending my own reputation

My faith in humanity is mutilated

I perceive that the world is not willing to see

How cruel and twisted it is being to me

When you say I am being selfish to those who are dying don’t you see

I already lost someone better than me

Why am I here to be miserable when she

never got the chance to have her own family

I would trade places with her instantly.

I spent my childhood feeling incredibly alone. My parents never really paid attention to ME. my teachers did. I wish I had gotten involved with theater in high school- I think if i had people would perhaps accept now that it is really what I LOVE. At the same time THEATER is not what I really love but the intimacy that film acting creates. We are all just animals and we assume. We don’t see that people change or we don’t perceive the true nature of a person and we take for granted things won’t change. I moved to cali to get away from Jealous crap- stalking boyfriends, gossip. I was the kid who went to college on a full scholarship and ended up causing, well according to him, my first boy friend to almost fail his first semester at our school. He stalked me and I get labelled the stalker. I now know that if you come to Hollywood be careful- because they do play games here. I don’t care if I don’t survive because of them. I will not partake or be a part of them anymore. I spent all day crying being attacked over and over- and yet all I wanted was to know I was SAFE.

Do you know I wanted to go to HAWAII one day. I guess that will never happen now either. I am not allowed to because my dad worked for the government and he owns me and I need to grow up and start practicing law- be a big girl and be willing to do anything for the money. Hell my dad would probably be OK with me going back to my cheating ex who wanted to pay off my debts and make me have 3 kids with him so that they can grow up and be forced to give up what ever creative talents they have to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers. NEWS: there are no dreams left for me and I am not allowed to even have fantasies. An actor has 5000 fans on his page, and I am not allowed to be one of them because some bitch sees me as a threat and frankly Id rather have a fantasy then have anyone come after me. And I mean about being a working Actor not sleeping with anyone.

I don’t chase men because I want the right one who will chase and love and cherish me. I woke up this morning and came to the realization that I was attacked yesterday by the same people affiliated with ABC, Grey’s Anatomy and also well my accident. And I am betting that Luke Mably and Michelle Borth know DEMPESEY, DANE and GEORGE. If so they are involved in inflicting intentional emotional distress on my being. I am not IN LOVE with anyone. WHAT CRAP. In fact I am certain that all the attacks were an attempt to push me to seem suicidal again. THANKS. Can I please have a lawyer help me sue these people already. I sue ABC and WIN and this ends because then I can be safe again. What was also weird yesterday is that the usual librarians were not there and it was all new people, or at least at the end of the day. It was odd.

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