Do you know what hollywood is teaching me.  That people make huge assumptions about others.  they do.  I am an outsider.  I always have been.  I have seen the world from the edges.  I never fit in.  I finally feel I have found a place I belong. I finally feel safe from a father who abused me and the people I admire and trust hurt me the most.  I recently wrote a blog stating that acting saved my life it did.  But celebrities destroyed all the reasons I chose to fight.  Their attitude that they are perfect and beautiful. I am not allowed to be one of them.  We are not allowed to be one of them.  And if we dream just to do the job they do because we love it- they will put us in our place.  Play sick games with our heads and then deny it.  I will never get the right answers- hell I will never know the truth.

A guy I knew from law school told me they should remake the film ‘GAS LIGHT’ and it makes me wonder if people  I knew from law school who have made it in that profession are involved. I never had it in me to compete.  I never wanted to fight really.  I just wanted to find a way to enjoy life again.  I never could do that when I was a kid.  Everything with my parents was work.  My parents had a way of taking the fun our of everything.  For 5 years I was free and happy.  But then people from my home state found out what I was doing.  I get treated like the girl I was – scared and abused again. Not good enough to be anyone’s freind or at least not COOL PEOPLE.

I sit in the library and CRY and hear comments about how I am crazy and I wonder don’t they see how much they are monsters to me.  I am scared- alone- and have nothing to want to work for. I don’t want to be some MAN’s property unless he is WONDERFUL and KIND and LOVING and will let me feel safe.  MOST WHITE AMERICAN MEN don’t make me feel that way.  I am singled out.  I am stalked by the fans of a celebrity. AND GUESS WHAT i am not interested in being DRAGGED TO CHURCH to have a CHURCH GOing man because I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BEING WIFEY EVER.

Well I have decided that I want to stay here in LOS ANGELES because I know that  I will  never be OK anywhere else.  At the same time I am no longer safe here.  I am being forced out by the ELITE.  NO matter what though I will never be OK AGAIN.  I will not let myself be in the arms of a man when I know I want and need someone else.

My former friend when i was working on ELI STONE made some comment to  me about sometimes you don’t get what you want but what you need.  Well What I want is what I need to feel as though I will be SAFE.  And finding Justin on the wall of the guy who molested me- makes me realize how safe I was with him or my dreams.

I mean seriously I WANTED FRIENDSHIP. I am not out to seduce anyone.  I was never involved with Blake Sheilds or David Lawrence or well I have not been dating for years and I probably won’t date for the rest of my life.  I don’t have a future because some sick people in this country decided that I needed to be made to do what my DADDY wanted.

Now I find Will Wallace, my ex teacher in a picture with ANGELINA JOLIE, the woman who just gave up  her breasts when she did not have to.  My nipple was bleeding and I had no choice.  SO I am not a wonderful person right?  I wanted to create artistic hope and did not care about it making money.  http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2984885760/nm0003930

Apparently I am some horrible monster who should have let JEREMY RAPE me.  I should forget about being an actress or working with the GOOD NICE ACTORS of HOLLYWOOD and instead I should what? let Barry Caldwell RAPE ME to get cast.  Let men use me?  If I could do anything I would go back to when I was 23 and not given what meant more to me than anything to anyone.  I feel in love with the wrong guy.  ANYONE want to know why I am single- because I want someone fantastic and I can’t make someone be with me I know that- but I am tired of the SHALLOW FAKE people of HOLLYWOOD like DEMPSEY, DANE, MATT DAMON, JASON GEORGE, and now even MICHELLE BORTH- who by the way I thought I would perfect with MABLY- wanting me to DIE ALREADY.  I fought for my life to end up in a world with plastic actors who put on a show of LOVING THE UNIQUE and the different – only to really want to be seen with the perfect and classy.  Considering Ms BORTH is an ABC actor and so is MABLY- Well I want to SUE them for discrimination and slander and for well if I could being FAKE to the world.  And if BORTH had really read what I WROTE she would have known that BARRY CALDWELL wanted to sleep with me with no strings because he felt crappy- IE USE ME- and that I was not playing any kind of game.  Also that after those shooting in the head pics of MABLY appeared on my WALL- the same account appeared on BARRY”S FB page.  Barry actually told the people on his page we were friends.  I had my account set up so that in order to friend me you had to be a friend of a friend. Instead the page changed to a picture of Mably with thick glasses and then a picture of him stating he was driving on the west coasts of CALI. I have lived here for over 10 years.  It is the only place I want to be and there are more actors here and NY than anywhere else. I AM NOT GOING TO NY- I love the outdoors to much.

I AM A PERSON CAPABLE OF GREAT LOVE.  WHen I had cancer I could not tell the  one man I admired the most i thought I was going to die.  To this day I wish I had-  I wish I had been selfish and told him because I went through that hell alone.  I don’t deserve to be treated the way MY UNION has been treating me or this COUNTRY- I am either one of you or you can forget about me working to defend you, love you or be one of you ever again.  I will always call myself an actor and I will always only care about making money acting and on sets.  And thank you fake celebrities of HOLLYWOOD.  You destroyed a woman and made her insane.  AND TO THE LAWYERS of CATHOLIC U- did you WIN?  Are you CABOT SPENCER DAVIS and your mom who every time I would say I was terrified of my father would tell me he loved me, would make comments about how “are you still in that entertainment industry” and would also tell me I needed help any time I said I did not WANT MY fATHRE IN MY LIFe.

Do you know what I wanted?  A man in my life who would protect me from my dad.  A man who would be gentle and kind and non-violent.   I wanted to work on sets full time at acting and photography and art direction.  I wanted to work to work with BEATUTIFUL on the inside good people. Instead I get someone trying to make me lose my mind. I show up to a set to be told I am on a list.  ANd now I wonder if people from DC are a part of this too.  I was so happy- I did not need fame or money- just the work I was doing.  Now – i know I don’t have a future as an actress- but there IS NOTHING else I want to do. I don’t want a man in my life who is not so beautiful I dream about him every night.  I don’t want this life of cruelty and pain and stuck up fakes who think they can spit on me in my terror and shame.

AND THANK YOU ANY CREw out there who live in VENICE- I just wanted to work. I AM NOT GOING TO DATE you and I am not going to LOVE ANY OF YOU because You really did not love me.  I was happy and I thought I was liked on sets- I worked enough – but in the end I was labelled what- A CRAZY woman – maybe what i needed was an end to the abuse.  I was not AFTER anyone to save me- I wanted to SAVE myself.  I wanted to be on set and meet someone who would see the angel that for some reason several of my exs have stalked me for.  Seriously I have had 5 of my ex boyfriends from back east STALK ME online.  One who told me I would make it because I always liked myself- well if that is true then why do I feel as though people are not really seeing ME.  One who told me I was a saint but then he kept a room back east for when I FAILED.

I am a nice person- I DON”T LIKE WOMEN.  and I wanted to spend the rest of my life on sets.  But when EVEN THE WOMEN put you down and treat you like you are a THREAT- what should I do?  Give MABLY what he seemed to want two years ago- or who ever was posting those pictures… my end?

THANKS ALLOT.