I was happy. I was so happy again. I have not been this happy since beating cancer in 2005 or getting told I was a regular on ELI STONE in 2007. Or getting cast on Chemical 13 and ABS. I have not felt ok in so long. I had not made money of my own in years. I have been working since June 13 of this year as a reader on WE AUDITION. I had been on the site for 3 years but I was terrified of being attacked. I was scared of someone well lifting me up and then shutting me down. I hate law. I hate politics. I do not have a head for money or business. The only business I understand is ACTING and the arts. And I am so sick of AMERICANS who do not care about people being creative.

I kind of suspect people have said that I was not going to make it as an actor anyways. BUT I KNOW I WOULD HAVE. I have had 240 reviews on WE AUDITION. Unfortunately I did not get the chance to print out the last 15 reviews. Though I have emails with I think most of them. I have already been scolded for revealing the fact some girl asked me to read with her and then a few days after the reading decided to tell everyone she thought I was OK but RUDE. This girl has not studied acting and I do not think she understood the system. I could not see her. She kept messing up words and that was on her. But I was ok with that. It happens. I once spent 15 minutes trying to remember the name of CASHEWS. It was a brain glitch moment. We all have them. She apparently though decided to take it out on my job prospects. I also did not like the fact I did not get an email with the review. It sat there and I wondered why I went from having 3 or 4 actors in a day to only one a day. I had 240 when I was suspended from the site. I do not regret what I did because I am pretty sure it was a set up. I was manipulated and it is OK because Maybe it is time for me to just give up and stop trying. I do not have reasons to fight to live. I am sick of ugly people. I am sick of games. I was good at this. I knew I was good at this. It was what I was meant to do. Work with ACTORS. I am a natural at it.

I needed to feel special and needed to feel respect. Instead I feel like I have had no control over my life or who I am or what I want to do. THE ONLY REASON I LOVED being alive was to use that part of my brain that makes me good at reading and acting. I was happy for the frist time since beating cancer. I wanted to live and I was going to finaly have the surgery to end my breast cancer nightmare.

I predict that AMPTP will settle with SAG AFTRA and I will end up dead by 2024. I do not want this life anymore and I do not care about my parents. I want to give ARTISTIC HOPE to someone who will not make it be a tool of RELIGION.

I wanted to feel liked and for a few months I did. I do not feel liked if I am not an actor. I feel tolerated or abused.

ACTING WAS MY CALLING and I am discusted with people who think giving me a purpose is what I need when they are not hearing my PAIN. I was finally feeling safe to like other people and to really want to see others happy. My parents are NPD and it took me years to learn to let the pain they cause go. Only to be sucked back into the misery by the actions of some men on sets.

I am bettng for some reason an actress I used to call friend is not going to like this. SHE TOLD ME THIS WEEK her career wss not great and I should just accept things. But She does not understand. She also told me when my parents die they will give me money. I do not ever want their money. I want to achieve things and acomplish my dreams. I had films I wanted to make and characters I wanted to play.

I am sick of NARCISCISTIC ROYALTY in the US. I can not be a celebrity That is what this is all really about. Well I want to be remembered as talent and not a door mat. I do not care about working in law or politics.

I had so many ideas in my head for films and a tv show and wanted to find a way to bring them to light. I am so tired though of people not realizing I can make my own plans for my future. I do not need manipulation.

I would have had an acting career if it were not for the people who decided I had no hope to achieve that. YES I DID. I know how talented I can be. But we are a shallow culture that only sees talent in surface dressing. To jason george I do not look good on tape. One of my most recent clients wanted to tape me waving good bye. She was MIDDLE EASTERN INDIAN. My hair was wet and I said no. Plus I am UNION and I worry about jeopardizing my UNION membership.

I had posted on LINKEDIN to not mess with me. I was scared someone would.

Some therapist want to FIX ME. I do not want to be fixed. I want to be a working actor. I wanted to make a film and star in it. NOT A SHORT. I FULL FEATURE. I wanted to play a female sherlock holmes. NEVER DO I WANT TO BE A LAWYER or give up being an artist.

I never ever want to work for anyone who wants to make me give up being an actor. I feel like we live in a world now where I AM A SLAVE. I am expected to get a JOB and not care about how I feel as long as the pay is good. I DO NOT WANT TO WORK with people who DO NOT SEE ME AS A CAPABLE ACTOR. I WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT SUCCESS IF I CAN NOT SAY I AM AN ACTOR.

I HAD TALENT. I KNEW IT. AND I HATE ANYONE WHO IS HAPPY MY LIFE AS AN ACTOR IS OVER. I WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT BEING EMPLOYED OR SUCCESSFUL becaues there is no me being successful if I am not An ACTOR.

YOu want to me give up acting to be your friend or to make me get a job to pay my bills and I will tell you YOU WANT ME TO FEEL LIKE SHIT AND PUSH ME TO SUICIDE.

I DO NOT WANT A LIFE WHERE I CAN NOT BE AN ACTOR. MY PARENTS WANT ME TO STOP BEING AN ACTOR. I NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN.

SHONDA RHIMES Had had my numbet 424 625 3279 listed as her own. BARRY CALDWELL knew that was my number. HE used to work for RHIMES.

I have to decide if I should cancel the surgery on November 22nd or go through with it and end up starving to pay the bills or give up the medicine that has been keeping me alive. I am also back to not sleeping. It is 1:30 AM.

I am going to miss some of the people I read with on WE AUDITIon. It has been a long time since I have had people to think about and hope are OK. Now they are gone and well they will find someone else to read with them. But me…. I will not be working or caring. I WAS ARTISTIC HOPE. But people steal and lie and hate you if you are special or different. My father thinks I am STUPID. But i know I had talent and skills and confidence finally again. He should have seen the real me and loved me as I was in stead of trying to make me in his image. I am nothing like my parents.

This is my emails to weaudition about getting no review and well they told me they would remove it. By the time i got the email I had already though posted on intagram my panic attack.

I posted some videos exrpessing my anger and what this woman did before I was told the review would be removed. I am not appologzing. I am sick of this. I am sick of feelling like my voice needs to be silenced and I need to taught to behave by children. I know how to behave. If I misbehave i have good reasons.

I can not bring myself to really read this one but I will not grovel for apporval or say I am sorry which would be a lie.

Then they decided to remove me. I was a successful woman. I wold rather be dead than being forced into friendships I do not want or into relatioships purely for survival. I loved reading with actors. I will NEVER LOVE A JOB WITH A PAYCHECK if it does not involve the parts of my brain that create.

This is well what my linked in said both before this happened and my new addition that I made $1000 since JUNE 2003 and well I did roughly 288 sessions with actors. I had 240 reviews. One negative which was removed. though I think I had one other removed because the guy did not even read with me. He had two many tech issues and left a review anyways. I felt like that was a false review. I had 38 sessoins that did not pay me or give me a review. I say sessoins becuase two actors read with me more than once but never paid me or reviewed me. One guy finally did on the third session after I said to him “come on. 3 times and no review?” Several of the 38 were tech problems and not an indication of dissatisfaction. I could post my client list here but I will not as a want to protect who I worked with. Though I did send the list to we audition.

I beg for people to not mess with me. My way of saying please be nice I am not well and do not need stress or negativity. I am honest I could die because I lost this job. This is REED. Please note I could not see her face when she contacted me to read and she admits her voice can be angry. I wanted her to do well and not mess up. She I think could not hear me well on top of not seeing me and I did not get upset when she messed up or tell her she sucked. Actors make mistakes. Auditioning is SUCKY sometimes. But she lashed out. I lashed back. Part of me feels like being really nasty and re shooting her monologues to show her how I would do them. But that would be calous.