My cousin found my picture on Carnivale on the web. He talked to my parents. I thought it was odd at the time. they acted like it was new to them. But my brother had seen me in an episode of CSI and I told them how I was paying my rent. Well he contacts me out of the blue and I got angry at him. He told me I was a failure. Told me that I should move to New York- and what get stuck working in offices and be with people like my FATHER. He told me that he had 124 contacts, well I don’t want his contacts in my life. He studied SPANISH at one point in MARINA DEL REY for the Military and is in MILITARY INTELLIGENCE. And what is it about NEW YORK. No crazy actor types but plenty of CONSERVATIVE people in suits. I don’t want to live like that. I want to go to work in JEANS and be able to have a job where I can work from a lab top and I WANT TO BE ON SETS not in offices period. Plus I have seasonal depression and there are only TREES in CENTRAL PARK. I have a mountain 6 blocks from me I can climb. I also had a mastectomy and MY DOCTORS are here and every 10 years I have to have a BOOB job.

I also asked my cousin if he knew the lead of DEXTER. I am in the SHORT A.B.S with the twin sister of one of the actresses from that series. My cousin grew up in RALEIGH and they are roughly the same age. I only visited my cousin once a year if that growing up and well after I left home at 18 did not see him until Law School when I went to Texas for a wedding. Actually it was at that point I realized my knees did not hurt in the warm weather of the south as much and knew I needed to move west though I still iced it when I could. that was kind of a painful trip. After these emails there is no way I want to go to TEXAS and this whole thing scares me. I feel like property and I can’t have my own life or voice or even opinions and have to be pushed back to the east coast to be abused and bullied and forced to wake up to reality that I AM NOT AN ACTOR as far as they are concerned because I am not famous and I am not allowed to fight to be one. NOT ALL ACTORS ARE CLOONEY but that does not mean I should be denied my dreams and goals and well I am miserable. The fact that my cousin even says well you can’t get a job in HOLLYWOOD. DOES HE REALIZE how leaglly WRONG THAT IS? It makes me think he knows someone here who wants me GONE and instead of SIDING WITH ME HIS COUSIN, he is siding with what ever MAN thinks I am a nuisance. SERIOUSLY, can you let me find love, peace and make this my home so I can have safety, grow herbs, cook vegan, take walks and make film. I AM GOING MAD WITH STRESS here and going to NY would just add to it. Id hate the city. THe noise. The polution. The crowds. I loved SAN FRAN but it is way to expensive. AND I WOULD NOT OWN A CAR BUT STILL WANT A SCOOTER in NY where I could get MUGGED ON SAID SCOOTER.

I don’t hate THEATER BY THE WAY. I just KNOW MY FAMILY IS OUT OF TOUCH. I mean I had agoraphobia as a kid. It took me decades to get over being shy in front of large groups. I would get eaten in NEY YORK and KNOCKED down. believe it or not I feel as though people in CALI before this mess started were more open to seeing me as an actor than New York WOULD. I am a white pasty girl with red hair who does not look like a traditional soap star actress. I can’t see New York accepting me unless I do tons of off broadway and again I am not big on doing lots of theater. I have done theater but I prefer the set and well THANNK YOU FOR TRYING TO DRIVE ME OUT OF CALI? WHY? I mean seriously is there somebody you want me to avoid or is this to get me back to the EAST COAST to ex boy friends I HATE. SERIOUSLY they are making me a spinster and insane. LET ME LOVE MY LIFE HERE. LET ME HAVE MY FREEDOM. LET ME BE WITH FRIENDS AND ABOVe ALL STOP TELLING PeoPLE I AM IRRESPONSIBLE and trying to manipulate me into committing suicide. I would to if I were to go back east. I would be in so much PAIN from the weather and the cold and I would gain weight and lose my health and for what- so my family can keep me close. HOW ABOUT IF I HAVE TO MOVE SOMEWHERE COLD I GO TO TORONTO OR THE UK- then I WILL KNOW I AM REALLY GETTING WORK BeCAUSE PEOPLE LIKE ME not because my cousin or my dad called my boss behind my BACK.

THe only way I would ever be a ROCK STAR- ACTING:

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