Almond yogurt with blueberries.  Some vegan biscuits.  Fig.  I’m picking this morning so had a piece of kimchi. I want pancakes. 

Took rice cakes, carrots, some Tahini sauce, Brazil nuts, and Vegan biscuits to go.  My plan was to go to an art class, see the kites on the beech, do some yoga, and go home.  I was robbed on way home.  I did not eat again until after 6 pm.  I had bus drivers helping me track down the bus.  I went to the Santa Monica police station to file a report.  I had to wait.  No one was there.  Finally an Australian cop gave me documents to fill out.  I returned them to an American who told me I’d never get the property back. 

I felt so weak I broke down and got vegan at Thai vegan and broke my no tofu rule.  Actually seems to have helped.  My nose is stuffed up this morning but throat not as tight.  I’m worried this is cancer because of my white count.  While eating I suddenly noticed the Australian cop on a cell phone across the street from Vegan Thai.  He was there for about ten minutes then went into Urth Cafe.  It creeper me out.  He was looking in my direction the entire time on the cell.  I splurged.  But at least I now know I probably have goiter or a nodule.   Eating tofu all the time could cause other health risks though so I really need a doctor willing to really help me.  This doctor went to John’s Hopkins.  You think he’d know what he was doing.

  My mother is sending me cards like this, telling me she has a future bc of her faith. I wanted to work sets and act, be a set photographer and work post production.  She does not care if I have a future because I’m Catholic Buddhist and don’t believe in putting up or respecting my father who.has hit me, had his dentist not clean my teeth, and also repeatedly abused me.  And he is happy these days, probably dreaming of having me in his house to beat into submission, make me a failure, force me to run errands for them, and never ever have a man hold me who is better than he is, kinder, nicer, creative. 

And she sends me a peace poem which makes me wonder if they don’t know about my website Www.womenlovepeace.artistichope.com

I was free of their insanity for five years.  I’m now terrified.  I’m terrified of the police.  I don’t think they will help me get justice but side with my father.  I’m terrified of men who asked me out in the past because I don’t think they want me finding love or happiness or success.  I wanted to build my own home studio.  I’m not malnourished.  I’m sick.  And if I don’t get a doctor to look at my neck, and really find out why I’m feeling choked all the time I’m going to die.  Love that costs someone else their life is not love. 
My parents ruined my teeth.  Note this is the estimate that includes teeth cleaning. 

This is what my parents paid. Note no teeth cleaning. 

I’ve been having earaches,  nose bleeds, and pain in my upper teeth where one of the fillings was replaced.  We are now a country of bullies and insanity where a woman like me is labeled crazy and my psychotic parents and ABC can take away my life simply because I don’t look like one of their perfect cartoon characters.  or better some guy who asked me out years ago wants me gone.  Imnot hot so no one expects me to be cast, especially the cops out here.  I’ll never have a man I could admire, or love because people assume because I’m single I must be after someone when i want to be happy making money on sets again and allowed to be doing what I love.  I don’t do drugs.  I have been celibate for 8 years.  I have the right to respect which means you don’t make me give up acting, going to the west side, making art, or living my life for anyone.  I’m a woman and any man hurting or using me to feed his ego is not a man.  He is no one’s Prince charming.  I lost my breasts and I’d be healthy if not for those abusing me. 

If I don’t get back what was stolen I’m dead.  There is no way I’d ever live under my father’s roof.  I’d break everything glass in his house for what he and his wife, not I refuse to call the mother, father, and take a baseball bat to their vehicles for what they did to my teeth.  My father actually told me I got what I deserved.  I’m VEGAN respect that or you want me to get cancer and die or be tortured by my parents some more. 
And I’m not looking for a man to pay my rent. My father wants me penniless because he wants people to think I need a man like him to provide for me. He was not providing for me from the time I was 18 until 2008 when I was blacklisted. I filled taxes every year. That jerk kept trying to use me as a dependent even after I moved out but I stopped him. I’m sick of not being able to get work I care about, people not letting me be around actors who might love me and be my friends under the assumption I have people who CARE ABOUT ME, if destroying my health because I refuse to see my father is loving me maybe God gave me goiter to get me out of this sick world. I want to clean up my life. I need to make mobey to do that. I tell art people my background and they tell me there is demand for someone with my skills, but I get surrounded by people my father would have over to dinner. I dream of having someone with creative culture in my world who knows who goethe and moliere is, or Stanislavski, not an NRA bully Neanderthal like my father. In fact I’m considering practicing Passover this year just to freak everyone out.

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